Wow weekly posts now? .. or not

September 22nd

Haha well now it seems like I’m writing in here everyday cause I have to get a lot off my mind before I explode! Lol obviously not explode but for some reason one boy is on my mind and I do feel bad about everything I’ve done up until now… I wish life were simple. Yesterday I wrote an angry letter to him and then today… haha uhh… the point is I think I really do like him now but I really don’t want to hurt him if anything more happens. I mean he keeps my interest all the time but I’m scared that if I have him then I’ll get bored and want to move on… I really don’t want that to happen though cause I actually do want to be with him! It’s so confusing cause one day we’ll act like friends and another day we’ll act like something totally different! As much as I want to believe that he likes me I’m not even sure that he does my best friend keeps making me doubt him and it makes sense when she says these things.. I don’t like that it sounds right at all. Yet I still don’t listen to her for some reason cause I feel like he does actually care about me and if he is just playing me I’m fully aware that it was my fault in the first place. I could really care less about how it seems I mean he is getting more comfortable about being with me in public there are just certain people he’s sensitive about cause I’m too “young”. Whatever I could care less though like I said haha I just won’t know how to handle it at work… I feel bad they only bother him haha they only bug me about him occassionally well the new people bug me about him but that’s out of fun :). Haha to be honest he makes me blush all the time every time he does something cute for me which is most of time if we’re not at work and I like it :). I was in such a happy stupid mood when I got home today it was ridiculous! I can’t believe I like him this much already eugh I feel so junior high about this.. I’m digging my face into my pillow hoping I’ll wake up. Just when my wall was being built up again he just kicked it down, I’m kind of mad he did that but at the same time I’m kind of happy he did cause he reminds me of what it’s like to be with someone so sweet. Haha even when he tickles me and I get mad I never stay mad for long cause I like being with him too much.. lol and it’s just fun. It’s not like I want to “wake up” I just want to know if it’s real or if I’m just getting lost in translation or something like that I mean what he does and what he says are two different things that’s why! For example, he says he doesn’t want a girlfriend but he treats me like I am his girlfriend, and he says we’re just friends but I’m pretty sure friends don’t do some of the things we do so that just makes me question him. I mean Wesleen pointed all of that out and she made so much sense of it and made it kind of seem like we were just sneaking around cause he was playing me. She didn’t say those things but it was an implication that was set into my mind after a while of talking to her… and I guess I wanted to believe her for a while so that I could convince myself I didn’t but I guess he’s just better at proving himself innocent lol. I really don’t like it that I got caught really fast though I mean we’ve only known each other for about 2 months which is totally retarded for me.. I guess he’s really good at what he does lol I don’t even know how to explain it anymore! He’s not the usual type of guy that I date I mean firstly he’s waay too sweet to me and he’s not a dick but he doesn’t listen to me so I don’t know if that puts him on the same track as them but I doubt it. I mean they all pretty much treated me like crap or an object so I did it back to them and when I dominated that part of the relationship I got bored and I dumped them. Well now I’m getting tired so I’m going to take nap for now :).

October 13th

Well I’ve been slacking off of school lately cause every time I go back to my house someone is fighting with someone else. -__-” Personally I’m sick of it! I can barely get peace in my house NO ONE is ever fine or good at my house.. thank God for my friends and my newly dubbed boyfriend 🙂 (Honestly, he hasn’t asked me out yet [and yes YET is the main word there] but I’m claiming territory I don’t even care gotta love him (:). Hmm.. so what have I done in these past weeks lol. Well I’ve been spending almost every day with Ry we’ve been at his house, the movies and on our own little dates 🙂 it’s been so much fun being with him. Other than spending time with Ry all I’ve been doing is work and school.. I barely stay at my house and when I am there I feel trapped or suffocated cause there’s so much hate or lack of trust or even just tension! Man I wish it were less stressful around there its so desolate and unloving sometimes and the only time we’re actually smiling is when we all plan something fun together and that’s like one day out of the year! We watched Couples Retreat on Sunday as our “family” thing and they want to come watch The Stepfather with me too this Sunday but I doubt we’ll get to do that 😦 oh well I guess you can’t have everything going good with life. Lol secretly on Friday I watched Couples Retreat with Ry so I already saw it.. but on Sunday I got popped by my supervisor Brittannie and she was asking me about Ry and the movie in front of my father x__x! Oh well though haha lately we keep getting exposed little by little first getting popped by Sherise my favourite senior at work 🙂 (No offense but she just is but now there’s Jenna who I equally favour (:) and now he keeps telling everyone slowly that we’re “seeing” each other. He doesn’t want to tell them we’re boyfriend and girlfriend cause he hasn’t made it “official” but really he’s taking his time with this whole official thing! Haha it’s not like I’m going anywhere though.. two days ago I got drunk and I kind of told him I loved him.. now my mind has been bouncing around whether it’s real or not. I really feel like it is but there’s also that one little factor that makes me second guess myself.. like the fact that I just got unengaged in August? It has barely been two months but during those two months I spent almost every day with Ry and he makes me forget the world is even watching us. I don’t want to take advantage of the time we have together now cause if by some screwed up twist of fate we don’t end up together then I’ll be more hurt. I’ve learned to honestly open up my heart to him.. I think with Changmin oppa I may have been in love with him but every time we fought I just put up more and more walls and began to feel some sort of fake love with him. With Ry it’s less complicated.. he wants to be with me and he makes me feel like I WANT to be with him not that I NEED to be with him. Is it wrong for me to feel this way so soon after? Eugh I wish my eonnis, eomma and halmoni knew what was going on or at least I wish we could talk like we used to.. they’d know what I should do. Even though I know I’m not the pure magnae of the group they treat me like it and I love them for that I really feel like we’re a family.. or at least we used to be.. maybe it’s just me that has drifted apart from them. We never have big group discussions or anything lately and I miss them all so much :(. Well here’s my song for the day hope you enjoy it :).

A little more explanation..

Well basically what I wrote a couple of days ago was a cut down version of what I was feeling and how it all went down.. so to fill in some blank spots for you all, or make it more confusing I don’t know, here’s just a little more information about everything.

What happened with me and oppa didn’t exactly go as peaceful as it seemed to be.. as in he gave me an ultimatum and when I said I didn’t know our fight escalated. It started out as a simple request in the beginning of our relationship and all it was was for me to move there when I could so we  could be together. Then during our first year there was a ring that came in the mail and when I asked him about it he kind of proposed to me and I said yes obviously cause for some reason I felt I could trust him and it felt right. * To be honest I still feel like I can trust him even though we can’t talk to each other anymore * Then after our first year of being together we had a small fight about me not going there yet but the whole time I was thinking “I’M STILL IN HIGH SCHOOL THERE IS A REASON I’M NOT THERE STUPID!” and we kept fighitng. Eventually, after what I’m pretty sure was 4 days of fighting with me, he gave in and accepted the fact that I wasn’t ready for it and that I didn’t have the money to go. So we were good for a while and it hasn’t even been 9 months yet after that and I get some angry message saying “We have to talk about this I can’t take it anymore.. I really need you here by my side it’s not fair that I have to live like this you should just leave there already no one appreciates you there anyways. Just tell me I’m right and you love me and that you’re coming on the next plane tomorrow because if you don’t I don’t know what will happen next.” After reading this I was highly infuriated at the fact that he didn’t even consider my feelings on any of this!! All he talked about was him and how it wasn’t fair for him when really I just started a new job so I could make money for me to go there! And the fact that he said he didn’t know what he’d do if I didn’t do as he said just pushed me over the edge so when he finally got on after me waiting for him for 2 days I told him everything that was on my mind. I mean as much as I’d love to be with him it wasn’t right and we both heard things that day that neither of us wanted to hear at all so where it left us was with nothing basically. Well for me it left me with work, school and confusion. I think I cried for at least 2 nights out of frustration and sadness, anger and instability, the thought of losing someone I loved for so long, and even happiness at one point. I was happy that I didn’t have to go through this anymore for a while, and by this I mean all of the uncertainty, all of the confusion, all of the hurt and pain, and all of the love. I guess I just want to shut myself in again and replace the wall he took down which took me 13 years to build.. after having my heart truly broken this time who knows how many years it’ll take to build up again but now I’m always guarded.

Now as for the Ry situation… haha there’s not much to explain other than we go out a lot but we’re almost never alone so I don’t know it doesn’t mean much to me. At work we get teased I guess haha or at least he does which makes me laugh and I blush easily so when they start with me it just makes it worse, I have some stupid smirk on my face now cause every time I think about it it’s about this one time with my best friend but it’s not on a need to know, lol I’m really stupid you could say or highly open. It’s not really a bad thing I’m being open with everyone at work but it has it’s downfall 😦 my best friend Wesleen won’t stop getting mad at me.. it makes me depressed. Right back tot the main subject lol so far the only bad thing that happened to me because of him has been my thumb snapping back which he’s so hmm.. how do I explain this without insulting him.. he’s basically being a baby about it if it were any of my normal friends I’m with they’d be like “OMG COOL!” and then bring me to a doctor who’ll tell me I’m fine and we’ll play with it more. In all honesty I don’t really want to say what happened yesterday cause I’m kind of shy about it haha as much as I’m open with people this is something that would make it seem like I like him.. which now is a question and not a full out no anymore.. man it would be easier if he was just a dick then I could date him for a month or so and dump his ass. I got myself in too deep this time I think x__x haha but I really like his friends despite some of them not liking me? I’m pretty sure there are two that don’t like me probably cause I’m quiet and cold and I probably seem like I flirt with him a lot more than I actually do, yes I’m admitting I flirt with him but he never pays enough attention to me to notice anyways lol, I don’t like it that some of them don’t like me but what can you do? Haha I wonder if he has read this.. or any of his friends cause I did get a weird message from one of them haha that would suggest that he has read the last post at least. Omg that would be so weird that I’m just spilling my mind on this blog thing and they’re reading it haha actually that would kind of creep me out cause I’ve only told my eonnis, eomma, and halmoni about this.. but oh well I guess? Haha I like to spill my brain so I’m not all bottled up inside and confused and my eonnis always find out things this way which kind of makes me laugh but I feel bad they find out things this way. I think so far I’ve gotten “CHANGMIN?!” at least 4 or 5 times already haha which means the other eonnis and halmoni haven’t seen it yet. Well this is all for this post haha the music will be put on in two seconds I’m just figuring which song I’m going for right now :)… lol and I’m going to switch it up from my normal asian music blast!

Over a month has passed…

So I guess it has been a long time since my last post but I’m pretty sure no one looks at my blog anyways lol. Hmm… where to start? Well I’m going to try to think back to the beginning when all this crap started happening… it all started when me and my boyfriend, who I can now tell you his name was Changmin too! it’s just a coincidence eonnis don’t freak out!!!, were having problems and he was making me cry during this last month so no wedding :(. Anyways I’ll explain us first, after the whole grad ordeal we decided to slow down broke off our engagement and just try to be normal around our friends but I found, and I think so did he, that it was easier just being with our friends for now to ease our pain. We said we’d be just girlfriend and boyfriend for now but one day we just decided to start spilling out everything else we never told each other for some stupid reason, right now I’m shaking about to cry so don’t mind anything with my spelling.., so we both found out things we didn’t want to know and he made me cry so hard I couldn’t even speak or type anything cause I was shaking so badly like right now. Holding back these tears suck so badly because I’m in so much pain with my heart and my thumb, which I’ll explain later on, anyways we ended up fighting about all those things we never told each other and he didn’t even shed a tear even once even so I guess he was just expecting it. In all honesty he’s cried before in front of me twice because we were fighting and it wasn’t even as bad as this time but he didn’t even do it this time so if he didn’t trust me already then why didn’t he say anything! It makes me wonder so much about our whole relationship thus far I mean we’ve gone out for a year and eight months! There were so many questions and discussions left unanswered and unfinished because it was so emotionally exhausting for us both and we just couldn’t finish them cause we were just done and we couldn’t take it anymore. There’s more to the story but I’ll let you in on that a little later.

Then out of anger, I guess, I kind of started “seeing” one of my coworkers I guess but I don’t think it’s anything. We started going out about the same time me and my boyfriend started having more problems with each other. At first it was just a movie to get to know each other and then I wasn’t even expecting to hang out with him again until he invited me to hang out with him and his friends which  I thought it was pretty weird. Like Ry, his name is actually Ryan but at work we just call him Ry so it’s natural for me to call him that, does all the things a boyfriend does for me which is weird cause he says he doesn’t like anyone and every time I ask him to do something for me he always does it. Then when we fight it’s always him trying to make me smile so I’m not mad at him but apparently he’s the “open” type, which basically means that he doesn’t hold much back, and it’s like a trick where you have to figure him out cause he’s not exactly the type who disappears. He’s so awkward to me cause he’s the foriegn object in how I’m living my life right now, he’s always being spontaneous and whatever and as much as I love Changmin oppa… Ry just draws me to him by being mysterious like that… but that’s stupid right? Anyways everywhere I’ve gone so far it has just been either us two or him, me and his friends but whatever I don’t understand anything right now… I know I’m on a big rebound cause I’ve been naturally flirting with some of my other coworkers so far too it’s retarded. Did I mention one time that he told me he always smiles at me cause I give him a “warm tingy feeling” which is weird and he’s just always there for me when need him to be unless it’s really important then he won’t. He always complains about how I’m younger than him too and how I try to seduce him which I soooo don’t! It’s just funny how we both play around with each other haha or at least it’s how I feel but I like it but I think he’s kind of weirded out when we hold hands, actually I’m weirded out how we end up holding hands too I in all honesty don’t notice till after, and we only end up holding hands cause I’m trying to get my way. Hehe he actually ends up fully holding my hand but oh well he’s always warm it’s nice :). Lol I guess you could say I let him do that but really I don’t  notice much haha it’s subconscious you could say I acutally don’t know what it is haha it’s all weird! As much as people would like me to admit that I like him or vice versa I think we’ll only end up being friends, I mean he does intrigue me a lot but that would only get us so far in a relationship and I’d hate to lose him as a friend. Haha I wonder if he’ll ever find this… if he reads this it’ll be weird… LOL SORRY RY!! 😀 And I really do mean it! 😀

Anyways I shall continue again in another post! But I will leave you with a pretty song to end it all off 🙂

Gaaah =.= I hate this..

Basically I just went through 3 days of work and they weren’t very long hours like I didn’t mind staying longer cause I didn’t notice it at all but throughout those 3 days of work was so many bad things =.= . For example me screwing up those whole 3 days! I guess I’m too competitive so I just worry that I’m going to get fired or something but people keep reassuring me I won’t get fired but it’s like but I screwed up so badly!! Like on the first day they taught me everything and expected me to know it and I got the hang of it until something happened and then the spider wrap around the box wouldn’t come off but they didn’t teach me that. Basically they keep saying to me do you have any questions and I don’t want to waste their time by creating fake situations where they can answer my questions but at the same time I’m new so I get where they’re coming from. Then on the second day I totally screwed up where I ripped the gift card off one of the things cause I had no idea how to do it and the customer was so mad * but basically she was a bitch to me first so I was just kind of getting back at her *. Anyways then my till was unbalanced and I was minus money! I was like OMFG AS IF!! but it turned out I had to stay for an extra hour because I’m stupid and I rang something through twice because I thought my machine was broken. The whole time I told them that I rang something through twice but they weren’t listening to me and found out that I did in the end and told me to tell them right away. So basically it was miscommunication between me and my 2 supervisors, gaah I hated that day. But it wasn’t as bad as the third day where I kind of fucked up really bad to the point where I’m just so stupid like firstly my till broke down and got mad at me for some reason and just wouldn’t let me do anything on it. So I had to move to a new till and do the whole order over again so it was working for a while until about twenty or ten minutes before my shift ended some guy FORGOT his credit card I guess he didn’t notice but yeah I just put it aside until I was going to leave. So I kept ringing up customers when my supervisor came over and she’s like I’m just going to take a skim of your till cause it’s not good to have so much cash in your  till and I was like okay then. She totally forgot I was off at 2 and when she did that I think I was off in like 5 minutes anyways so I kept ringing up customers and this other guy almost forgot his credit card and I made sure he got it then left with my supervisor to get cashed out. Then I got stupid and FORGOT THE CARD AT MY TILL!!! eugh I only remembered when I was driving away and I’m pretty sure I’m for sure going to get fired after this considering I’ve been screwing up so much lately. I’m kind of worried about getting fired and all but I guess I’m just being paranoid but still gaaah. Oh yeah but other than that work is so much fun people are so nice there but sometimes I think my peppy meter is about to blow, you know like you’re just having a bad day and then people expect you to be peppy and crap and you have to be fake all day. Anyways other than work I’ve been having fun life is good and I think if anything I’ll just stick with this job even though I keep screwing up it’ll get better I’ll learn from my mistakes hopefully I’m not terminated any time soon or else that’s good bye to school next year 😦 then I’ll be stuck during summer doing courses and that’ll suck crap. Well here’s my song for the day I’m kind of excited cause I like this song and I get to go shopping later! 🙂 I hope you like it!

I’M SO EXCITED!!

You’re probably wondering why I’m so excited.. & it’s because I PASSED MY SECOND INTERVIEW & NOW HAVE MY FIRST JOB EVER!!! XD WOOHOO!! Mianhe it’s not all that exciting for you readers but I’ve never in my entire life had a real job where I get paid & everything. I’m going to work at Best Buy it shouldn’t be that bad right? I know everyone says your first job isn’t what you think it will be but I’m not expecting anything all I’m going to do is be compliant because guess what having a job means.. IT MEANS I GET TO GO TO UNIVERSITY NEXT YEAR!! I’m very excited & I guess it’s cause I’m so ambitious & I know I want to follow through with it so really I just want to do it cause I’m pumped for it. I don’t even care what my hours are I just want to get enough money to go to school & finally get on with my life. Ahh have I told you I got called a bitch by a guy who’s girlfriend is cheating on him? Lol oh well it’s not my fault she’s a slut * I know this because we used to be bestfriends until she back stabbed me so I’m officially allowed to say this * I just tried to help the guy & he was praising her. She got fricken rolls & shit it’s disgusting I can’t believe guys would actually like like her well I only know of one & that’s her current boyfriend it makes me want to puke. She told me she got diseases from her ex-boyfriend * who claims they NEVER went out LMAO * & her boyfriend thought she was a virgin when they went out that was a bunch of crap. I mean this guy is so pathetic he even tried to beat up one of my bestfriends, WHO IS A GIRL!!, I mean how idiotic do you have to be to keep going out with someone when you’ve clearly caught them in bed together. & he said I’m the “bitch” I was like “Pfft I’m not the idiot who’s letting his girlfriend cheat on him duhh!” Haha well this is the last time I’m ever doing something nice for someone so dumb. I mean I am a well known “bitch” figure around here but the truth is THEY CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH & THAT’S WHY I’M LABELLED THE “BITCH”!! If people weren’t such idiots & kept their mouth shut then maybe I wouldn’t be telling you what I know if you didn’t ask I mean it’s in all honesty common sense & if you don’t have that then of course I’m the bitch. Whatever though I don’t care if I’m the bitch that just means I’m real with you whether or not you like it I mean of course I’m a little more gentle with my best friends but honestly if you need to hear the truth then it’s not my fault. I’m just saying if you want to call me stupid because I’m being stupid then go ahead but you in all honesty can’t call me a bitch cause I’m telling you the truth. So I said to him “Thanks I am a bitch and I’m proud of it.” Oh well I also told him if he and his girlfriend dropped dead my world would still be spinning so I don’t give a flying fuck haha :). Hmm.. generally I don’t show this side but today I feel like letting the devil inside of me out 정말 정말 미안해 (I’m really really sorry) to everyone who has yet to see me like this. I’m also sorry that you’ve gotten to see my dark side I am in all honesty really nice but you know everyone can’t be all sunshine and lollipops every hour of every day so here’s my down on the rollercoaster of life lol. It really didn’t bring me down at all when he said it I was just annoyed that he was attacking my character when all I was doing was telling him the truth. I even put it in a very nice way like the nicest way possible just so the dumb person wouldn’t take it that bad but that just goes to show that people WANT you to lie to them. Hehe well now for my song of the post hmm.. I was going to give you a recording of me singing but then I kept thinking about it & it wasn’t all that great. So instead here’s the song I was going to sing except sang in a good way lol! XD

Graduation & Summer so far :)

I’VE FINALLY GRADUATED!! It was great & I was so excited the whole time ^^ & the dinner was amazing too! Well most of it anyways.. I kind of made the mistake of starting drama with “that guy” and now we’re no longer friends but oh well I knew we couldn’t always be friends. Ahh this summer vacation has been so relaxing no getting up for rugby and especially no drama.. well up until a few days ago. Haha but nothing goes perfect but the important thing is I’m happy 🙂 right? It was so much fun though hehe & I even met people I never knew were in my grade at all haha well I guess it’s too late to get to know them even more considering we’re not going to be in the same school anymore but oh well! XD Hehe can you feel the excitement! Except after grad night I found out I owe the University of Winnipeg $4, 500 for all my classes & what not =.= so now it’s not as happy but I got an interview for a job so I can apply for a student loan afterwards so it’s not a total down. It’s still a pretty huge amount though so I’m pretty sad about it at the moment I hope I can get the job so I can finally apply for my student loan! Other than that I’ve been pretty happy!! Me and my friends Wes, Chels and Bri have been going out and having lots of fun so my summer isn’t totally boring either ^^. I’ve gone to watch Transformers 2 twice and we’re going to watch The Ugly Truth when it comes out and we had a sleep over a couple of days ago! 🙂 Well we had a sleep over for Chels’ birthday to celebrate but we didn’t end up sleeping till around 7 in the morning it was so funny that night was so much fun. Buut.. I kind of made my boyfriend take me back and he did say he missed me but I kind of made a boo boo and started flirting while drinking and that caused a whole new drama to start. Haha good thing me and this other guy don’t live in the same province or that would’ve been waay complicated then what would have I said to my boyfriend ^_^”. I don’t like this drama cause I think this guy is getting attached to me and I didn’t mean to I mean I was drunk at a sleep over what else would I do!? Well we were doing other things but when they all started talking to their boytoys I was like whatever I might as well talk to some guys too and since my boyfriend changed his number and I haven’t figured out how to properly text him without screwing it up. & I wasn’t going to call him during work so I decided against it finally after about half an hour. We played Dirty Minds and it was so bad I only one once and Wes one once and so did Chels poor Bri didn’t win at all lol. It was so much fun though although my father did end up waking me up 4 hours later to tell me to come home and when I told him that he should come get me then he said he had work in an hour and I was like WTF if you say you want me to go home go get me yourself you idiot. But whatever I called my mom and she came to get me instead and by the time I got home he wasn’t even there so that made me even more mad cause I didn’t even have to be there! But yeah anyways on a happier subject I GOT MY SECOND INTERVIEW FOR MY POTENTAL JOB!!! WOOHOO!!! I’m so excited it’s like I’m a kid in an icecream shop! I have to go on Wednesday so I’m pretty nervous but I’m also very excited & my sister said she’d take me shopping for an outfit so that I don’t look all weird and everything! But yes I’m highly excited for it I keep wondering if I’ll get the job or not and if I don’t then I’ll be really sad but oh well I’ll figure it out eventually I always do :). I just really hope that God helps me get this job so I can go to University and finally get the peace I need :). Anyways this is a short post I know but I can’t stop being excited! OMG I was also watching “Here Comes the Newlyweds” and the Corliss’ WON! That was so awesome I was voting for them the whole time and I couldn’t stop spazzing for like five minutes when they won that’s how excited I was :). Oh yeah about my boyfriend.. lol well we did get back together which was GREAT!! I love it that we’re back together but we’re not exclusive anymore so basically we’re in an open relationship I guess but it’s better that we have boundaries since we’re going to end up moving in together anyways right? Well hopefully we will… I mean I want to but I’m not completely sure about him because you  know he’s always making me promises and getting me to make commitments when he can’t keep up his end of the bargain. I mean I really do trust him but nothing has worked out so far for us and so far we’ve broken up TWICE!! I mean I really do want this to work out if it’s the last thing I do but you know after trusting him so many times and him keeping on breaking his promises I don’t know if we even will end up moving in together. I really do love him and considering what I’ve been through I’m pretty sure I’m in love with him. I know I haven’t shown him off to any of my friends but honestly it’s one of those things where I kind of want to keep him for myself until I know for sure that he’ll finally commit and does what he says. Well yeah so for now he’ll remain as just “C” lol I’m sad about it but until I can completely trust his fast-paced and completely whacky antics with me I’m not sure he’s allowed to meet my friends. I mean he’s important to me but my friends are waay more important to me (no offense babe!) and if he hurts me I don’t want them to hurt him haha. I guess it’s my fault for making him promise me to only tell his closest friends but even then he told like four people and they think I’m trouble.. or so I’ve been told. I mean if they heard why we were fighting on both sides then they would understand I was right 3/4ths of the time! But on a happier note I’m happy that we’re together again even if the relationship isn’t totally together but we’re trying despite everyone being against us. 🙂 I hope we stay together for now at least cause I’m still happy that we are together despite our fights and our distance :). Anyways that is all for now I will update you again soon! XD But here’s my current favourite song 🙂 hope you have fun with it!! XD

And again and again …

So here comes Sunday! YAY… not =.=! Well he called me and basically told me to be there at 2pm when every one else was going to be there around 3:30pm so I was like “Err.. are you sure?” Then he was like “Yeah we still have to start the video stuff anyways.” What he didn’t tell me was that Jericho, one of our partners for our project, had the laptop we were supposed to be using for our power point =.= so basically it would’ve been me and him. So I rode the stinky bus for him and walked for about 20 minutes in the blazing heat *I stupidly wore jeans and a t-shirt so I was boiling* before I got to his house. It was lucky that his mom and brother were home or we would’ve been home alone together.. which would be bad for me anyways considering me and my boyfriend were still together. When I got inside he was there but he made me wait a while before he let me in so I was standing out there watching his little brother doing something thinking it was him haha. So after I got in his dog jumped me and I got scared cause they kept barking and my dogs only bark for like 10 seconds and then they stop when someone comes but his never shut up. I kind of fell into him afterwards so he’d “protect” me kind of thing and it worked and it was funny cause I’ve never met his dogs so I was kind of really scared. Lol anyways we went downstairs and his older brother was playing games and his mom was folding clothes and one of his dogs followed me downstairs and wouldn’t stop bothering me which was cute so I decided to play with it. Then his brother “finished” his game and left and his mom “finished” folding clothes and we were alone cause the dog left with them =.= and it was so awkward. I had no idea what to do so I sat on the long couch and he sat on the other one away from me and we kind of awkardly talked for about 10 minutes or so and then we started playing Rockband cause he got bored. Then we played the longest song ever and I was so mad! That song was making me fall asleep and he’s like “This is the song that makes me want to become a drummer.” and I’m like “Oh wow it’s so loong!” I was really that annoyed cause it was 9 minutes long! It was pretty retarded how that part went cause we just kept playing till Jericho came, which was like an hour and a half later!, and Jericho didn’t even have his laptop! So we sat down tehre playing Rockband for the longest time being not productive I was like “Aren’t we supposed to be working?” with no reply from either of them so I started texting Brianna before I fell asleep. I was half asleep, much like how I am now, when she finally texted me that she was close so I got up and he was like “Don’t leave people are still coming later” and I was like “Bri’s coming and she’s close she said.” When in all factuality she lied and she was soo not close at all so we went outside and looked and he’s like “Let’s just go inside and wait.” So I just complied with him so that nothing else could possibly go wrong but of course it did cause Brianna got cold and then I got cold so we stole the blanket from his room and shared the small couch while they did nothing but watch TV on the other one. So we sat there until Jericho went to get his sister’s laptop instead so he had to walk all the way back home and I moved to the other couch cause it was bigger and we were squished on the small couch. That “guy” walked Jericho out and by the time he came back I was on his couch laying down and me and Bri were fighting over couches so eventually he just got the small one cause I was laying and pulling the blanket. So while Bri and I were laying on the big couch, I got up cause I was even colder than I was before and I just said it out loud cause I don’t know I was thinking out loud. So I guess that gave him another signal to move onto the big couch so he moved there right beside me and I layed on him so I was warmer. Then he layed his head on mine and again since we were fighting I forgot all about my troubles with my boyfriend and I felt fuzzy on the inside and I was happy so I disregarded my guilt. Then he kind of slipped his hand under the blanket and into mine and we were holding hands while Bri who was also under the covers was watching television. So he was kind of holding me for a while and it was nice and we were playing with our fingers under the covers *I know it sounds dirty but I assure you it was innocent*. It was fun and eventually his hand somehow made its way onto my thigh really super close to that place.. which wasn’t so bad cause playing Are You Nervous? pretty much prepares you for anything. So I just left it there since he wasn’t doing anything funny with that hand anyways and then he took it off as soon as I let go of his hand so we were just holding hands after that. It was so adorable he was like a big teddy bear or something haha a molesting type of teddy bear.. LOL and then Jericho finally got back with the laptop and he left and me and Bri started text talking. She kept asking me what we were doing and I eventually told her and then somehow we switched the subject to “Who almost got there” with us and I told her the truth that he was one of them. I mean I’m not going to lie to her cause I have no reason what so ever to lie to one of my close friends :). So we got out of under the covers after *I know that sounds dirty but I assure you it wasn’t!!* we started our project again so he sat by me again cause I told him I was cold & HE CAME BACK WILLINGLY I didn’t even do anything. Techinically I lured him over there complaining that I was cold but I didn’t specifically tell him to come over and then about 10 minutes later Michelle (our other project partner) came over after she finished work and he never came back to my side. To be honest I got kind of jealous cause he likes to ignore me when she’s there and I get annoyed cause he knows how I am and he knows I get kind of jealous over him sometimes. We can’t help it though I mean we did go out twice and I couldn’t even explain to him why I left him the second times =.= *Personally I was just scared so I dumped him cause I didn’t want to get too serious without knowing for sure* So we finished the project a couple of hours later and unfortunately Brianna was the first to leave =.= and I was so mad cause I knew I’d be leaving last cause I had to wait for my mom to pick up my brother first. So we watched the finals for NBA and Michelle stayed until the Lakers won and then she left and I was thinking “I wonder what he’ll do now?” and just like I expected he moved closer to me again. Then his mother called him to walk out his guest and I snickered when he left cause I was like “What were you expecting after all that?” It was just Jericho and me in the basement and we kept talking until he came down then I called Jericho a bitch to make him stay down a little longer which got him to stay for a couple more minutes then he left. He walked Jericho out and I couldn’t stop thinking stupid thoughts about him and I was mad at him. I told him that I was mad at him and he’s like “No you don’t.” and he wrapped his arms around me and layed down with me so I was like “I’m not going to forgive you that easily.” Then he kind of kissed me on the head and I kind of fell asleep in his arms listening to the beat of his heart *I know it sounds so cheesy but it really did happen like that*. Then his brother (who wouldn’t give a shit I might add because I was with his brother before so I’d know) came downstairs to go into the laundry room and he freaked out woke me up and pushed me away. So I was really mad this time cause I was so comfortable and he just did that out of nowhere like something would happen if he saw us together, it was so dumb. Then my mom called and told me she was outside and I was like thank God so I threw his blanket on his bed and he almost followed me into his room but I left before he could come in. So he walked me out and I said bye nicely to his family and when he said bye I kind of gave him a look then I said bye then he closed the door and I was so frustrated. I even texted him on my way home and told him I was really mad at him and he was like “I knew you would be.” and I said “Then why did you even do it?” and he was basically like I like you BUT I’m not ready for a commitment and I was like then why do you keep getting close with me?! Eugh it was so stupid, I WAS SO STUPID! I talked to my boyfriend the next day since that’s what we agreed on and I told him the truth because he never lied to me so I thought I shouldn’t lie to him. And I didn’t and he got mad and we broke up for the last time because he thought I was doing it out of spite but really I wasn’t I wasn’t even thinking when I did it *Much like him and the stripper incident -__-” … he was being such a hypocrite!* Anyways I couldn’t even think or do anything for the next two days I was basically useless and crying for 5 days straight because I was so hurt and torn that we broke up. Honestly, since then I couldn’t even keep any food down what so ever I just kept puking it up and I wouldn’t even try to do that. I kept eating (not excessively) and I would just feel sick afterwards and horrible and the food would come up and I couldn’t understand this and after the 3rd day I figured it was because we broke up cause thats the day it all started. It annoyed me so much that this was happening *And currently still is happening but I can keep most food down now, some of it just won’t* and I couldn’t do anything properly so I moped and was sad but I started going out with my friends which made me feel better but the only thing I could do was think of him. Basically I was conceited, by my point of view anyways, and I could only think of myself and him which sucked cause I was depressed for like a week which is an all new record BECAUSE THERE HAS NEVER BEEN ONE! I hate that he has this power over me but we had a little talk a couple days after my week of depression and he told me he still loved me BUT we couldn’t be together until we were physically together so it would be easier. It really makes me sad that it might take a long time and I really want to be with him but I’m willing to wait for now and I hope he waits for me but I don’t know what to do :(. Anyways that’s the whole story unfortunately I sounds really really stupid don’t I? Haha well hears a song to go with my mood so enjoy it 🙂 or don’t I’m not in a caring mood at the moment.

I chose this one so you could watch it in a higher quality :).

Keep Screwing Up =.=

Wow I’ve wanted to avoid this for so long but now I can’t… I’ve screwed up so badly this time and I don’t think I can fix it anymore. Hmm.. I shall start from last week when this all started. Well my boyfriend and I kept fighting and he “fake” broke up with me cause he told me he wanted to be with the stripper his brother took him into a private room with. =.= So of course we yelled at him cause I thought he really was breaking up with me and he claims that his so-called “sarcasm” didn’t shine through the way he wanted to. So I left it at that and told him I needed time and 3 hours later he says to me “I’m sorry about what happened I got heated and I hope you know I was kidding when I said we were breaking up.” That infuriated me even more because how could he even do something as horrible as that and not talk to me for 3 HOURS!! So I told him I really meant it when I said I needed some time away from him because this time he took it too far even as a joke because I’d never joke with him like that. The whole time I was thinking “WHAT WERE YOU EVEN THINKING WHEN YOU DID THAT?!” because of what he did with the stripper and he’s the one who made us make all those promises. He made them for me and he couldn’t even keep them himself.. it hurt so much for those two days. On the third day, I looked through my emails and there was one from him and of course I opened it cause I wanted to see what he wanted from me. When I opened it there was an attachment to it and it said “My Heart’s Apology” and it was him singing me an apology and I couldn’t help but cry, it was so beautiful. I told him I forgave him because I was thinking about it and it was stupid that I did that *Although I had every right to!* cause he told me the truth right? The last thing I would have wanted was for him to lie to me so I gave him a second chance because I really do love him enough to do that *and more apparently but you’ll find out about that later*. By this time it was Thursday and I had to finish a presentation with my friends for our English class so I went to the library and it turned out the only person there was my now ex-bestfriend/ex-boyfriend *for his sake I’m not going to mention his name* and we had to wait for my best friend Brianna :). It was the most awkwardest thing ever but I never said anything cause we were still “bestfriends” at that time so we just waited and talked about our project a little bit until she came. OMG I was so relieved when she finally showed up and with my other new bestfriend Chelsea but actually it was just a coincidence that Chelsea was there doing her English project with her group. So we worked there for about an hour and we decided to move things to Brianna’s house *after a long fight between her house and mine* cause we were getting bored of the library. At her house we just gave up on the project and ended up in her basement watching “Knocked Up” the whole time and it was just us 3. Her two dogs were so cute and HUGE I might add so we went down to her basement while the pizza cooked and the dog got on the couch and jumped on me. I got freaked out cause my two dogs are like a pebble compared to these dogs so I kept moving back and it was really stupid but I didn’t realize I was moving into his arms. Out of everything the dog could’ve done it moved me into the arms of my ex-boyfriend who put his arm around me and pushed the dog away. At first I was thankful and then the dog got off the couch and I moved away but not even five minutes later it got back on and tried to kiss me again and I had to move back to the same awkward position as before =.= *eugh I was so frustrated*. Then the dog got off the couch again cause he pushed it away so I moved back into my spot and then I noticed something.. Of course she didn’t tell me it was freezing in her basement and her whole house and of course my shirt told the same story *if you get my drift* so I was like “Can I have a blanket?” and she told me where it was and I got one. This was like not even a third of the way into the movie and he layed down so I couldn’t sit properly so I stupidly thought “Nothing could happen between us we tried twice.” and I layed down with him. THEN BRIANNA FREAKING LEFT THE ROOM!! That’s when I started to freak out cause her dog left with her and he started putting his arms around me and just holding me which made forget about the fight I had with my boyfriend and just my boyfriend in general -__-“. It was the stupidest thing I could have ever done by far AND I HAD A BOYFRIEND I don’t even know why I gave in. He even held my hands and when the dog came back by itself he tried to push it away but that’s when I thought of my boyfriend and I thought “He couldn’t help but be dumb it was his first time at a stripper bar”. So I let go and started petting the dog but of course my ex-boyfriend didn’t like that so he tried to push the poor dog away and she went on the floor and was sad. After that he grabbed my hand again and he wouldn’t let go even when Bri came back down and I was thinking “Why won’t you just let me go? Even Bri is down here what are you doing?!” He was holding me so tight and I started to remember how we used to be when we were together which was a MAJORLY BAD DECISION because I forgot about my boyfriend again. So she felt like a third wheel at her own house and I felt so badly about it and I tried to grab her at one point but apparently he was giving her faces too so she didn’t do anything when I was doing mine. Eugh I was so mad at her that she wouldn’t stop doing her little key chain thingy! Haha but I was making comments on it so it wasn’t all that awkward or I tried to not make it be. I tried to get up but because I have a bad shoulder from rugby I started to shake and I fell down right where he wanted me to be and he just held me there. He even put his hand under the blanket and put it on my stomach and I thought he was going to go lower so I just held his hand there cause I was getting nervous about it all. After that I guess I gave him a stupid signal and he tried to kiss me and I just turned away from him cause I knew if he got to kiss me then it would be the end of me and my boyfriend and I started to talk to Bri again nervously. We were only 3 quarters of the way done the movie and he was still holding me and I started to get sleepy and I started to close my eyes and I don’t know why he even went in to try and kiss me again I was so pissed off. So again I had to turn away and he gave up on trying to kiss me and just held me until Bri’s brother came downstairs to get something then he got up right away like someone was going to shoot him if he didn’t. Then when he left the stupid guy just went back like nothing was wrong and he forced his way around me so I was like whatever already might as well just let him have his way today. Thank God the movie ended like 15 minutes later and he had to leave and I didn’t even go upstairs to say goodbye to him I just stayed down there thinking “What in the hell did I just do?” Then my memory kicked in and I remembered we had to go to his house on Sunday to finish our power point part of the project.. OMFG was all I could say alone in the basement. He even gave me a sad look when he left with Bri to leave her house so I especially didn’t want to move at all. And after she came back down we went into her room upstairs and we couldn’t stop talking about it like it was a disease or something. That was when she told me he was making faces at her to leave or something and I was freaking out like “WHY DID YOU EVEN LISTEN?!” For the next few days I didn’t know where I stood with him at all, all I knew was I couldn’t tell my boyfriend not yet not till I found out what he was thinking. This is where I’ll end it today cause I don’t think I can continue without hating myself to the point where I want to just die =.= believe me it only gets worse from here and I’ll continue it tomorrow if I have time. But here’s your song for today I hope you like it at least :).

I can’t think of anything else..

I can’t help but think if I don’t do something soon my plan for my future will fall down the drain :(. I know some things will work out but others are kind of blurry like this whole lawyer thing and keeping on with a relationship that’s not going anywhere. My heart is into singing but every time I begin to do something someone or something stops me from doing or continuing on from what my new song becomes. My new song is finished but now every time I sing the chorus something is off and I need a new line or I need to change it completely. It gives you the impression of lost love that wants to be renewed and unknown feelings that arise as the two people who have new loves see each other for the first time in a long time. It’s more like a story but I’m not good at writing stories so I turned it into a song for some unknown reason. I haven’t slept in 3 nights and I haven’t done anything productive during my time up except scare myself watching scary movies and because my imagination is highly creative I don’t sleep. I don’t know how to get over it either… every time I try to it just comes back and my brain feels heavy and I end up thinking about it again. Maybe I’m just stupid or something. Or maybe it’s just a distraction like everything else I’m using just so the album isn’t created. It’s no secret that I think I don’t sing that great but other people think it’s good enough and I don’t want to be just good enough I want to be great like oppa. I even stopped exercising which was a great downfall so I think I’m going to start up again so that I’m in better shape and my throat gets better so I can hold longer notes. Maybe when I finally grow some confidence I’ll post my song up in the next blog I do but it might sound stupid so please leave some critisism so I sound less stupid in my next song haha. It originally was the background to 동방신기’s song “Afterglow” or “노을…바라보다” but then as I went on it kept changing and changing into a whole new song. Now I’m unsure of everything I do, but I know what I want I just don’t know how to get there at this point I really don’t take rejection to well so when my song rejected me I got mad. Haha so to speak, I actually instead gave up well not really but I sort of did and I don’t want to. Family problems don’t help at all, I don’t even want to touch the subject of family at the moment cause it really just got that bad. Boyfriend troubles don’t really help either.. well we’re not really having trouble, in fact we’re not doing anything and that’s the problem. Ever since we broke off our little romantic gesture we’ve been growing a part and I really don’t want that and I’ve tried to fix it only to fight with him. In truth, we really are opposites I like lots of things and he’s picky, I’m more of a do-what-I-want type of person and he likes to be guided, I love eating things I’m allergic cause it’s like forbidden fruit and he hates that I do that. The list can go on and on but no matter how long it gets there’s really only one thing that really matters to me and it’s that I love him and I’m not even sure if he feels the same way anymore. It’s like a tainted droplet of water contaminating a clean pond of water, it ripples and eventually contaminates everything. Well now it’s time for sleepy so I’ll leave you with this pretty song for now :).

Loong time!

Waaaah it feels like forever since I last blogged! Ahhh my foot is so numb right now I can’t feel it at all and when I tried to walk a couple seconds ago I fell… it’s sad. LOL! To be honest I’ve done a whole bunch of things since then but they’re not all that exciting haha. I’ve been focusing on school a lot so I pass high school and I almost DIDN’T get to graduate this year :O. Why you may ask? Because my english teacher FROM LAST YEAR (who happens to be the exact same teacher I have this year for english) didn’t put in my english mark!! =.= I was so stressed out that day. Then my father went to the philippines for a month which turned out to be the best time ever cause I was almost stress free and then he came back and I’m kind of stressing out again -__-“. Lol but while he was gone I had fun with my friends but I only went out a couple of times but I made the most of it :).I had so much fun yesterday 😀 me and my friends ended up racing during our spare (not the kind of racing you think) haha we ended up seeing who could type the fastest and I won! 😀 I was so excited that I won they never let me win at anything haha. Then after school I ended up going out to sushi with my friends to have fun for the last few hours of freedom I had left and it was amazing ^^. Then I had to wait for my father to come back from the airport and once again I was stressing out but I drank my tea and got over it (well not really but I’m trying). I got asked out a bunch of times by the same guy and another time by a different guy but I really don’t want to date anyone else because I’m still attached. Oh yeah I forgot to say our engagement for those of you who know has been broken off but we’re still together, we just decided that nothing is going the way we planned so we should hold off :(. I was sad but I understood because we’re so far away from each other and we’re not exactly on good terms so at least we’re slowing down.. we did do everything really fast. Still I’m pretty sad about that. Anyways on a happier note it hasn’t been all bad I mean I got one more song done but it still sounds like crap to me haha I can’t get the chorus right so I just left it because I was getting so mad and it’s supposed to be fun! I basically suck at music writing though well I think so though but I try that’s the point lol. Again this is super long because I’m stupid and I don’t pay attention to my computer because of school! It’s basically running my life because I want to graduate so badly so life sucks for me haha I haven’t been on in forever and I have no idea what my friends are doing. Then again all my friends that live in Winnipeg are just drinking for fun and I’m totally over that stage of my life so it’s not fun for me anymore I think it’s so overrated. When I speak to my friends from elsewhere I have no idea what’s going on cause they’ve all talked to each other and I haven’t which causes confusion well for me anyways. I’m not used to anything anymore I barely go out other than to apply at jobs where I don’t get it 😦 hopefully I get one soon though and do homework and go to school. My life is boring basically but I think during summer I’ll have more fun. I like going out but I also want all my friends to be there but all they think about is DRUNK! Let me emphasize drunk! Cause that’s all they want to do they’re always looking for a new party to go to everyday and I don’t want any part of it. When they get fat and old I’ll be less fat and more knowledgable then I’ll be so uprighteous that I won’t want to talk to any of them at all. That’s even if I stay here that long, no offence but I hate Winnipeg I’d rather live in one of the big cities or at least one of the semi-big cities. Hopefully after I get my law degree I’ll get to move elsewhere, that’s even if I get accepted into the university I want to which hopefully I do cause I want to start now! Everyone I know, from my grade, is taking a year off! It’s so retarded so I’m just going to go back to school right after so that I don’t get so lazy that I don’t want to go back. I’ll be broke but I’ll also be getting a better education that will get me more money in the future. Today I had fun though I almost slept all day went out for some Tim Hortons and then came back to watch more television and finally go on the computer after a couple of days. The only thing I do on the computer though is check my mail and then go off cause I’m that boring =.= haha. I guess my life is easy I spend all day with my puppies, go to school, do some chores, and go to sleep. Still I have so much stress for some odd reason =.= well whatever I’m broke, I’m not single, and I’m stuck in a spiral which won’t let me go. I want to get out so badly but I think I’m too comfortable that I’m not working hard enough so I’m going to go work on more music and get more things done so that I can do it. My friends support me :), well most of them do, some of them want me to stay but that’s not what I want and my good friends understand that :). Well that’s all for now I can’t think of anything else right now! Haha so thanks for reading my blog and I’ll leave you with some music I just found :).