I can’t think of anything else..

I can’t help but think if I don’t do something soon my plan for my future will fall down the drain :(. I know some things will work out but others are kind of blurry like this whole lawyer thing and keeping on with a relationship that’s not going anywhere. My heart is into singing but every time I begin to do something someone or something stops me from doing or continuing on from what my new song becomes. My new song is finished but now every time I sing the chorus something is off and I need a new line or I need to change it completely. It gives you the impression of lost love that wants to be renewed and unknown feelings that arise as the two people who have new loves see each other for the first time in a long time. It’s more like a story but I’m not good at writing stories so I turned it into a song for some unknown reason. I haven’t slept in 3 nights and I haven’t done anything productive during my time up except scare myself watching scary movies and because my imagination is highly creative I don’t sleep. I don’t know how to get over it either… every time I try to it just comes back and my brain feels heavy and I end up thinking about it again. Maybe I’m just stupid or something. Or maybe it’s just a distraction like everything else I’m using just so the album isn’t created. It’s no secret that I think I don’t sing that great but other people think it’s good enough and I don’t want to be just good enough I want to be great like oppa. I even stopped exercising which was a great downfall so I think I’m going to start up again so that I’m in better shape and my throat gets better so I can hold longer notes. Maybe when I finally grow some confidence I’ll post my song up in the next blog I do but it might sound stupid so please leave some critisism so I sound less stupid in my next song haha. It originally was the background to 동방신기’s song “Afterglow” or “노을…바라보다” but then as I went on it kept changing and changing into a whole new song. Now I’m unsure of everything I do, but I know what I want I just don’t know how to get there at this point I really don’t take rejection to well so when my song rejected me I got mad. Haha so to speak, I actually instead gave up well not really but I sort of did and I don’t want to. Family problems don’t help at all, I don’t even want to touch the subject of family at the moment cause it really just got that bad. Boyfriend troubles don’t really help either.. well we’re not really having trouble, in fact we’re not doing anything and that’s the problem. Ever since we broke off our little romantic gesture we’ve been growing a part and I really don’t want that and I’ve tried to fix it only to fight with him. In truth, we really are opposites I like lots of things and he’s picky, I’m more of a do-what-I-want type of person and he likes to be guided, I love eating things I’m allergic cause it’s like forbidden fruit and he hates that I do that. The list can go on and on but no matter how long it gets there’s really only one thing that really matters to me and it’s that I love him and I’m not even sure if he feels the same way anymore. It’s like a tainted droplet of water contaminating a clean pond of water, it ripples and eventually contaminates everything. Well now it’s time for sleepy so I’ll leave you with this pretty song for now :).