Keep Screwing Up =.=

Wow I’ve wanted to avoid this for so long but now I can’t… I’ve screwed up so badly this time and I don’t think I can fix it anymore. Hmm.. I shall start from last week when this all started. Well my boyfriend and I kept fighting and he “fake” broke up with me cause he told me he wanted to be with the stripper his brother took him into a private room with. =.= So of course we yelled at him cause I thought he really was breaking up with me and he claims that his so-called “sarcasm” didn’t shine through the way he wanted to. So I left it at that and told him I needed time and 3 hours later he says to me “I’m sorry about what happened I got heated and I hope you know I was kidding when I said we were breaking up.” That infuriated me even more because how could he even do something as horrible as that and not talk to me for 3 HOURS!! So I told him I really meant it when I said I needed some time away from him because this time he took it too far even as a joke because I’d never joke with him like that. The whole time I was thinking “WHAT WERE YOU EVEN THINKING WHEN YOU DID THAT?!” because of what he did with the stripper and he’s the one who made us make all those promises. He made them for me and he couldn’t even keep them himself.. it hurt so much for those two days. On the third day, I looked through my emails and there was one from him and of course I opened it cause I wanted to see what he wanted from me. When I opened it there was an attachment to it and it said “My Heart’s Apology” and it was him singing me an apology and I couldn’t help but cry, it was so beautiful. I told him I forgave him because I was thinking about it and it was stupid that I did that *Although I had every right to!* cause he told me the truth right? The last thing I would have wanted was for him to lie to me so I gave him a second chance because I really do love him enough to do that *and more apparently but you’ll find out about that later*. By this time it was Thursday and I had to finish a presentation with my friends for our English class so I went to the library and it turned out the only person there was my now ex-bestfriend/ex-boyfriend *for his sake I’m not going to mention his name* and we had to wait for my best friend Brianna :). It was the most awkwardest thing ever but I never said anything cause we were still “bestfriends” at that time so we just waited and talked about our project a little bit until she came. OMG I was so relieved when she finally showed up and with my other new bestfriend Chelsea but actually it was just a coincidence that Chelsea was there doing her English project with her group. So we worked there for about an hour and we decided to move things to Brianna’s house *after a long fight between her house and mine* cause we were getting bored of the library. At her house we just gave up on the project and ended up in her basement watching “Knocked Up” the whole time and it was just us 3. Her two dogs were so cute and HUGE I might add so we went down to her basement while the pizza cooked and the dog got on the couch and jumped on me. I got freaked out cause my two dogs are like a pebble compared to these dogs so I kept moving back and it was really stupid but I didn’t realize I was moving into his arms. Out of everything the dog could’ve done it moved me into the arms of my ex-boyfriend who put his arm around me and pushed the dog away. At first I was thankful and then the dog got off the couch and I moved away but not even five minutes later it got back on and tried to kiss me again and I had to move back to the same awkward position as before =.= *eugh I was so frustrated*. Then the dog got off the couch again cause he pushed it away so I moved back into my spot and then I noticed something.. Of course she didn’t tell me it was freezing in her basement and her whole house and of course my shirt told the same story *if you get my drift* so I was like “Can I have a blanket?” and she told me where it was and I got one. This was like not even a third of the way into the movie and he layed down so I couldn’t sit properly so I stupidly thought “Nothing could happen between us we tried twice.” and I layed down with him. THEN BRIANNA FREAKING LEFT THE ROOM!! That’s when I started to freak out cause her dog left with her and he started putting his arms around me and just holding me which made forget about the fight I had with my boyfriend and just my boyfriend in general -__-“. It was the stupidest thing I could have ever done by far AND I HAD A BOYFRIEND I don’t even know why I gave in. He even held my hands and when the dog came back by itself he tried to push it away but that’s when I thought of my boyfriend and I thought “He couldn’t help but be dumb it was his first time at a stripper bar”. So I let go and started petting the dog but of course my ex-boyfriend didn’t like that so he tried to push the poor dog away and she went on the floor and was sad. After that he grabbed my hand again and he wouldn’t let go even when Bri came back down and I was thinking “Why won’t you just let me go? Even Bri is down here what are you doing?!” He was holding me so tight and I started to remember how we used to be when we were together which was a MAJORLY BAD DECISION because I forgot about my boyfriend again. So she felt like a third wheel at her own house and I felt so badly about it and I tried to grab her at one point but apparently he was giving her faces too so she didn’t do anything when I was doing mine. Eugh I was so mad at her that she wouldn’t stop doing her little key chain thingy! Haha but I was making comments on it so it wasn’t all that awkward or I tried to not make it be. I tried to get up but because I have a bad shoulder from rugby I started to shake and I fell down right where he wanted me to be and he just held me there. He even put his hand under the blanket and put it on my stomach and I thought he was going to go lower so I just held his hand there cause I was getting nervous about it all. After that I guess I gave him a stupid signal and he tried to kiss me and I just turned away from him cause I knew if he got to kiss me then it would be the end of me and my boyfriend and I started to talk to Bri again nervously. We were only 3 quarters of the way done the movie and he was still holding me and I started to get sleepy and I started to close my eyes and I don’t know why he even went in to try and kiss me again I was so pissed off. So again I had to turn away and he gave up on trying to kiss me and just held me until Bri’s brother came downstairs to get something then he got up right away like someone was going to shoot him if he didn’t. Then when he left the stupid guy just went back like nothing was wrong and he forced his way around me so I was like whatever already might as well just let him have his way today. Thank God the movie ended like 15 minutes later and he had to leave and I didn’t even go upstairs to say goodbye to him I just stayed down there thinking “What in the hell did I just do?” Then my memory kicked in and I remembered we had to go to his house on Sunday to finish our power point part of the project.. OMFG was all I could say alone in the basement. He even gave me a sad look when he left with Bri to leave her house so I especially didn’t want to move at all. And after she came back down we went into her room upstairs and we couldn’t stop talking about it like it was a disease or something. That was when she told me he was making faces at her to leave or something and I was freaking out like “WHY DID YOU EVEN LISTEN?!” For the next few days I didn’t know where I stood with him at all, all I knew was I couldn’t tell my boyfriend not yet not till I found out what he was thinking. This is where I’ll end it today cause I don’t think I can continue without hating myself to the point where I want to just die =.= believe me it only gets worse from here and I’ll continue it tomorrow if I have time. But here’s your song for today I hope you like it at least :).