Wow weekly posts now? .. or not

September 22nd

Haha well now it seems like I’m writing in here everyday cause I have to get a lot off my mind before I explode! Lol obviously not explode but for some reason one boy is on my mind and I do feel bad about everything I’ve done up until now… I wish life were simple. Yesterday I wrote an angry letter to him and then today… haha uhh… the point is I think I really do like him now but I really don’t want to hurt him if anything more happens. I mean he keeps my interest all the time but I’m scared that if I have him then I’ll get bored and want to move on… I really don’t want that to happen though cause I actually do want to be with him! It’s so confusing cause one day we’ll act like friends and another day we’ll act like something totally different! As much as I want to believe that he likes me I’m not even sure that he does my best friend keeps making me doubt him and it makes sense when she says these things.. I don’t like that it sounds right at all. Yet I still don’t listen to her for some reason cause I feel like he does actually care about me and if he is just playing me I’m fully aware that it was my fault in the first place. I could really care less about how it seems I mean he is getting more comfortable about being with me in public there are just certain people he’s sensitive about cause I’m too “young”. Whatever I could care less though like I said haha I just won’t know how to handle it at work… I feel bad they only bother him haha they only bug me about him occassionally well the new people bug me about him but that’s out of fun :). Haha to be honest he makes me blush all the time every time he does something cute for me which is most of time if we’re not at work and I like it :). I was in such a happy stupid mood when I got home today it was ridiculous! I can’t believe I like him this much already eugh I feel so junior high about this.. I’m digging my face into my pillow hoping I’ll wake up. Just when my wall was being built up again he just kicked it down, I’m kind of mad he did that but at the same time I’m kind of happy he did cause he reminds me of what it’s like to be with someone so sweet. Haha even when he tickles me and I get mad I never stay mad for long cause I like being with him too much.. lol and it’s just fun. It’s not like I want to “wake up” I just want to know if it’s real or if I’m just getting lost in translation or something like that I mean what he does and what he says are two different things that’s why! For example, he says he doesn’t want a girlfriend but he treats me like I am his girlfriend, and he says we’re just friends but I’m pretty sure friends don’t do some of the things we do so that just makes me question him. I mean Wesleen pointed all of that out and she made so much sense of it and made it kind of seem like we were just sneaking around cause he was playing me. She didn’t say those things but it was an implication that was set into my mind after a while of talking to her… and I guess I wanted to believe her for a while so that I could convince myself I didn’t but I guess he’s just better at proving himself innocent lol. I really don’t like it that I got caught really fast though I mean we’ve only known each other for about 2 months which is totally retarded for me.. I guess he’s really good at what he does lol I don’t even know how to explain it anymore! He’s not the usual type of guy that I date I mean firstly he’s waay too sweet to me and he’s not a dick but he doesn’t listen to me so I don’t know if that puts him on the same track as them but I doubt it. I mean they all pretty much treated me like crap or an object so I did it back to them and when I dominated that part of the relationship I got bored and I dumped them. Well now I’m getting tired so I’m going to take nap for now :).

October 13th

Well I’ve been slacking off of school lately cause every time I go back to my house someone is fighting with someone else. -__-” Personally I’m sick of it! I can barely get peace in my house NO ONE is ever fine or good at my house.. thank God for my friends and my newly dubbed boyfriend 🙂 (Honestly, he hasn’t asked me out yet [and yes YET is the main word there] but I’m claiming territory I don’t even care gotta love him (:). Hmm.. so what have I done in these past weeks lol. Well I’ve been spending almost every day with Ry we’ve been at his house, the movies and on our own little dates 🙂 it’s been so much fun being with him. Other than spending time with Ry all I’ve been doing is work and school.. I barely stay at my house and when I am there I feel trapped or suffocated cause there’s so much hate or lack of trust or even just tension! Man I wish it were less stressful around there its so desolate and unloving sometimes and the only time we’re actually smiling is when we all plan something fun together and that’s like one day out of the year! We watched Couples Retreat on Sunday as our “family” thing and they want to come watch The Stepfather with me too this Sunday but I doubt we’ll get to do that 😦 oh well I guess you can’t have everything going good with life. Lol secretly on Friday I watched Couples Retreat with Ry so I already saw it.. but on Sunday I got popped by my supervisor Brittannie and she was asking me about Ry and the movie in front of my father x__x! Oh well though haha lately we keep getting exposed little by little first getting popped by Sherise my favourite senior at work 🙂 (No offense but she just is but now there’s Jenna who I equally favour (:) and now he keeps telling everyone slowly that we’re “seeing” each other. He doesn’t want to tell them we’re boyfriend and girlfriend cause he hasn’t made it “official” but really he’s taking his time with this whole official thing! Haha it’s not like I’m going anywhere though.. two days ago I got drunk and I kind of told him I loved him.. now my mind has been bouncing around whether it’s real or not. I really feel like it is but there’s also that one little factor that makes me second guess myself.. like the fact that I just got unengaged in August? It has barely been two months but during those two months I spent almost every day with Ry and he makes me forget the world is even watching us. I don’t want to take advantage of the time we have together now cause if by some screwed up twist of fate we don’t end up together then I’ll be more hurt. I’ve learned to honestly open up my heart to him.. I think with Changmin oppa I may have been in love with him but every time we fought I just put up more and more walls and began to feel some sort of fake love with him. With Ry it’s less complicated.. he wants to be with me and he makes me feel like I WANT to be with him not that I NEED to be with him. Is it wrong for me to feel this way so soon after? Eugh I wish my eonnis, eomma and halmoni knew what was going on or at least I wish we could talk like we used to.. they’d know what I should do. Even though I know I’m not the pure magnae of the group they treat me like it and I love them for that I really feel like we’re a family.. or at least we used to be.. maybe it’s just me that has drifted apart from them. We never have big group discussions or anything lately and I miss them all so much :(. Well here’s my song for the day hope you enjoy it :).