A little more explanation..

Well basically what I wrote a couple of days ago was a cut down version of what I was feeling and how it all went down.. so to fill in some blank spots for you all, or make it more confusing I don’t know, here’s just a little more information about everything.

What happened with me and oppa didn’t exactly go as peaceful as it seemed to be.. as in he gave me an ultimatum and when I said I didn’t know our fight escalated. It started out as a simple request in the beginning of our relationship and all it was was for me to move there when I could so we  could be together. Then during our first year there was a ring that came in the mail and when I asked him about it he kind of proposed to me and I said yes obviously cause for some reason I felt I could trust him and it felt right. * To be honest I still feel like I can trust him even though we can’t talk to each other anymore * Then after our first year of being together we had a small fight about me not going there yet but the whole time I was thinking “I’M STILL IN HIGH SCHOOL THERE IS A REASON I’M NOT THERE STUPID!” and we kept fighitng. Eventually, after what I’m pretty sure was 4 days of fighting with me, he gave in and accepted the fact that I wasn’t ready for it and that I didn’t have the money to go. So we were good for a while and it hasn’t even been 9 months yet after that and I get some angry message saying “We have to talk about this I can’t take it anymore.. I really need you here by my side it’s not fair that I have to live like this you should just leave there already no one appreciates you there anyways. Just tell me I’m right and you love me and that you’re coming on the next plane tomorrow because if you don’t I don’t know what will happen next.” After reading this I was highly infuriated at the fact that he didn’t even consider my feelings on any of this!! All he talked about was him and how it wasn’t fair for him when really I just started a new job so I could make money for me to go there! And the fact that he said he didn’t know what he’d do if I didn’t do as he said just pushed me over the edge so when he finally got on after me waiting for him for 2 days I told him everything that was on my mind. I mean as much as I’d love to be with him it wasn’t right and we both heard things that day that neither of us wanted to hear at all so where it left us was with nothing basically. Well for me it left me with work, school and confusion. I think I cried for at least 2 nights out of frustration and sadness, anger and instability, the thought of losing someone I loved for so long, and even happiness at one point. I was happy that I didn’t have to go through this anymore for a while, and by this I mean all of the uncertainty, all of the confusion, all of the hurt and pain, and all of the love. I guess I just want to shut myself in again and replace the wall he took down which took me 13 years to build.. after having my heart truly broken this time who knows how many years it’ll take to build up again but now I’m always guarded.

Now as for the Ry situation… haha there’s not much to explain other than we go out a lot but we’re almost never alone so I don’t know it doesn’t mean much to me. At work we get teased I guess haha or at least he does which makes me laugh and I blush easily so when they start with me it just makes it worse, I have some stupid smirk on my face now cause every time I think about it it’s about this one time with my best friend but it’s not on a need to know, lol I’m really stupid you could say or highly open. It’s not really a bad thing I’m being open with everyone at work but it has it’s downfall 😦 my best friend Wesleen won’t stop getting mad at me.. it makes me depressed. Right back tot the main subject lol so far the only bad thing that happened to me because of him has been my thumb snapping back which he’s so hmm.. how do I explain this without insulting him.. he’s basically being a baby about it if it were any of my normal friends I’m with they’d be like “OMG COOL!” and then bring me to a doctor who’ll tell me I’m fine and we’ll play with it more. In all honesty I don’t really want to say what happened yesterday cause I’m kind of shy about it haha as much as I’m open with people this is something that would make it seem like I like him.. which now is a question and not a full out no anymore.. man it would be easier if he was just a dick then I could date him for a month or so and dump his ass. I got myself in too deep this time I think x__x haha but I really like his friends despite some of them not liking me? I’m pretty sure there are two that don’t like me probably cause I’m quiet and cold and I probably seem like I flirt with him a lot more than I actually do, yes I’m admitting I flirt with him but he never pays enough attention to me to notice anyways lol, I don’t like it that some of them don’t like me but what can you do? Haha I wonder if he has read this.. or any of his friends cause I did get a weird message from one of them haha that would suggest that he has read the last post at least. Omg that would be so weird that I’m just spilling my mind on this blog thing and they’re reading it haha actually that would kind of creep me out cause I’ve only told my eonnis, eomma, and halmoni about this.. but oh well I guess? Haha I like to spill my brain so I’m not all bottled up inside and confused and my eonnis always find out things this way which kind of makes me laugh but I feel bad they find out things this way. I think so far I’ve gotten “CHANGMIN?!” at least 4 or 5 times already haha which means the other eonnis and halmoni haven’t seen it yet. Well this is all for this post haha the music will be put on in two seconds I’m just figuring which song I’m going for right now :)… lol and I’m going to switch it up from my normal asian music blast!