Over a month has passed…

So I guess it has been a long time since my last post but I’m pretty sure no one looks at my blog anyways lol. Hmm… where to start? Well I’m going to try to think back to the beginning when all this crap started happening… it all started when me and my boyfriend, who I can now tell you his name was Changmin too! it’s just a coincidence eonnis don’t freak out!!!, were having problems and he was making me cry during this last month so no wedding :(. Anyways I’ll explain us first, after the whole grad ordeal we decided to slow down broke off our engagement and just try to be normal around our friends but I found, and I think so did he, that it was easier just being with our friends for now to ease our pain. We said we’d be just girlfriend and boyfriend for now but one day we just decided to start spilling out everything else we never told each other for some stupid reason, right now I’m shaking about to cry so don’t mind anything with my spelling.., so we both found out things we didn’t want to know and he made me cry so hard I couldn’t even speak or type anything cause I was shaking so badly like right now. Holding back these tears suck so badly because I’m in so much pain with my heart and my thumb, which I’ll explain later on, anyways we ended up fighting about all those things we never told each other and he didn’t even shed a tear even once even so I guess he was just expecting it. In all honesty he’s cried before in front of me twice because we were fighting and it wasn’t even as bad as this time but he didn’t even do it this time so if he didn’t trust me already then why didn’t he say anything! It makes me wonder so much about our whole relationship thus far I mean we’ve gone out for a year and eight months! There were so many questions and discussions left unanswered and unfinished because it was so emotionally exhausting for us both and we just couldn’t finish them cause we were just done and we couldn’t take it anymore. There’s more to the story but I’ll let you in on that a little later.

Then out of anger, I guess, I kind of started “seeing” one of my coworkers I guess but I don’t think it’s anything. We started going out about the same time me and my boyfriend started having more problems with each other. At first it was just a movie to get to know each other and then I wasn’t even expecting to hang out with him again until he invited me to hang out with him and his friends which  I thought it was pretty weird. Like Ry, his name is actually Ryan but at work we just call him Ry so it’s natural for me to call him that, does all the things a boyfriend does for me which is weird cause he says he doesn’t like anyone and every time I ask him to do something for me he always does it. Then when we fight it’s always him trying to make me smile so I’m not mad at him but apparently he’s the “open” type, which basically means that he doesn’t hold much back, and it’s like a trick where you have to figure him out cause he’s not exactly the type who disappears. He’s so awkward to me cause he’s the foriegn object in how I’m living my life right now, he’s always being spontaneous and whatever and as much as I love Changmin oppa… Ry just draws me to him by being mysterious like that… but that’s stupid right? Anyways everywhere I’ve gone so far it has just been either us two or him, me and his friends but whatever I don’t understand anything right now… I know I’m on a big rebound cause I’ve been naturally flirting with some of my other coworkers so far too it’s retarded. Did I mention one time that he told me he always smiles at me cause I give him a “warm tingy feeling” which is weird and he’s just always there for me when need him to be unless it’s really important then he won’t. He always complains about how I’m younger than him too and how I try to seduce him which I soooo don’t! It’s just funny how we both play around with each other haha or at least it’s how I feel but I like it but I think he’s kind of weirded out when we hold hands, actually I’m weirded out how we end up holding hands too I in all honesty don’t notice till after, and we only end up holding hands cause I’m trying to get my way. Hehe he actually ends up fully holding my hand but oh well he’s always warm it’s nice :). Lol I guess you could say I let him do that but really I don’t  notice much haha it’s subconscious you could say I acutally don’t know what it is haha it’s all weird! As much as people would like me to admit that I like him or vice versa I think we’ll only end up being friends, I mean he does intrigue me a lot but that would only get us so far in a relationship and I’d hate to lose him as a friend. Haha I wonder if he’ll ever find this… if he reads this it’ll be weird… LOL SORRY RY!! 😀 And I really do mean it! 😀

Anyways I shall continue again in another post! But I will leave you with a pretty song to end it all off 🙂