I Cry, I Lie, I Die..

Throughout this whole week I’ve been having fun, thinking of nothing but relaxing.. but the more I relaxed the more I forgot, the more I missed, the more our love faded as time kept passing. I kept thinking about him and I know I haven’t stopped loving him it’s just that the more I think about it the more I wonder if he still thinks about me too. It’s so hard being away from each other but we know it’s the right thing to do right now so that we can both focus properly on our studies and whatever else we’re working on. My heart pounds when I see him but it also aches to feel his touch on my cheek, the gentle kiss on my lips, or even the warmth of his body next to mine. I cried the other day for no reason and I couldn’t figure it out myself until I started thinking of him.. he wants to protect me but he’s not here, he wants to be the only one that I look at but we can’t see each other every day, he wants to love me entirely but how can he do that if what separates us is millions of miles? I know he’s happy or so he says I can see the tiredness in his eyes but I can’t do anything about it.. I feel useless sitting here doing nothing. All I can say are words, hoping that they’ll touch his heart in some way so that he can go on without feeling like the whole point of living is to constantly work without seeing the ones you love. I think in a way we both lie to ourselves praying that one day soon we’ll be able to be together, hoping that our love will pull us together even if our families unknowingly pull us apart. I know it’s bad that they don’t know but what about me? What about him? What about us? I hope everything really does work out for us though, there’s no use sitting here crying but then again I am lying to myself once more, for I will do the same thing again. Maybe through this useless crying my song will be complete and then another and another. The hopeless ties of words strung together to be sung adequately by me, in attempt to heal what’s left of my empty mind. The emotional castration of not being able to be near the one you love is torture, I can’t even feel my heart beating anymore. My eyes open and close not knowing what to do with what I see, I think the boys said it best when they said “Don’t Forget”.. just listening to that song I fall into a day dream where we’re together. But as soon as my eyes open again I must begin living as if we had never met, as if we’re not together, as if our love isn’t there or real. I have to find a way to escape it all so that I no longer feel any pain that I have.. but there is only one way out of the wretched state I am in. We’ve talked about ending it but then one of us would get mad and we wouldn’t speak until the next time where we say “Sorry” and “I didn’t mean it.. it just hurts being here without you.” I should’ve left when I had the chance, and I’m really sorry that I didn’t but I couldn’t leave my family in the state that they were in my heart would’ve broken into a thousand if not more pieces. Leaving with each of them crying.. knowing that I could’ve helped them get through it like a broken family should. Crying does nothing to solve anything though, it just makes you think about it more losing yourself in more despair than when you started. After realizing this though.. I die a little more each time hopefully during this year I will find my hope again and begin what I left so long ago to return to my normal life. Trying to find light in the darkness is so hard, if it hadn’t been for my eonnis, my halmoni and my eomma, I wouldn’t have survived what so ever and I would’ve been totally lost. They help me forget about the pain, they help me stop my crying, they give me hope, strength, and the courage to go on without losing myself in my work. They show me pictures and make me smile every time I talk to them because of them I can create a song with soul and with those songs that I burn after creating them my heart grows. With each song burned, it may be words that are lost in translation but they return as the love I give back, I continue on as if my inspiration has returned with a renewed voice. This may not make sense, but to those who do understand it, I want to say thank you to my eonnis, my halmoni, my eomma, and my love for still giving me your love even though I don’t deserve it. For giving me an inspiration that may get lost sometimes but in the end is always found renewing my hope in life, for giving me a chance to do what I love even though my own family forbids me from doing it. Lastly, for coming into my life because without you there would be no me at this moment, I would be a fragment of what I am now and I thank you for turning me into what I am now :). Haha I’m crying again so here’s the song I originally wanted for this post, it may be sad but I still like it for my current state :).

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JAEJOONG OPPA! :D

Yaaay out of all days of the year it’s Jaejoong oppa’s birthday ^-^! I don’t know why I’m particularly happy but I’m glad he’s still alive and doing well :). Oh yeah I remember why I’m happy now cause I get the week off from school!! XD See? Jaejoong oppa’s birthday brings a lot of good :). Hopefully today will go great and I’ll start a new song :S .. which I started to do yesterday actually but then I forgot to write it down and therefore forgot all the lyrics… even the beat! =\ So I’m pretty much sad about that I mean I was doing soo good and then I got out of the shower and started thinking about other things and what not and then it all went downhill from there haha. Lately I’ve been addicted to play the Sims Deluxe Version (because my laptop will only let that version play without crashing every five seconds -__-“) and the other day I spent 10 HOURS I mean I didn’t even notice them fly by and when I stopped playing and got up I almost pee’d myself. LOL I was sitting and laying down for so long I neglected to take care of myself while taking care of my Sims, oh there names are Karen TRON and Max TRON :D. Haha I don’t know why I put their last name as TRON but I wanted to be like a Transformer soo did it work? Lol I had 3 babies taken away by child services 😦 haha so what does that say?! Blaaah I hope I’m not a bad mother like in the game, I blame the non-existent babysitter! I mean how can we take care of our children when we’re both at work and a babysitter is non-existent? IT’S IMPOSSIBLE I TELL YOU! Oh and the original kid we started with had to be shipped off to military school cause he was too dumb apparently :S. Haha here I am talking about the kids when I haven’t even told you about the main stars which are ME and MAX! Haha my siblings would’ve thought I was weird if I named him Changmin so I used his english name :). Haha me and Changmin oppa are very successful (even though I bring more money home than he does!!) so it’s pretty fun I got to be dirt poor at one point and had to sell half my furniture to eat 😦 but after that I started earning more and more money and now my house is HUGE! We even have a second floor now XD. Haha well now back to real life, I’m trying to find a job but it’s going horribly I mean I can’t find anything and the things I apply for I never get a call back! So I’m pretty sure it’s hopeless but I’ll keep trying so far I’ve applied to 3 jobs and I have another 3 to go hopefully one of them will respond to me or I’ll cry I just want to get out of here! Winnipeg is such a bad place to live it’s so boring here and I just hate it… why you may ask? Because I can’t do anything here!! I’m feeling suffocated and when I ask to leave to better my education they tell me “NO, why would I send you there? So you can go out every night?” I was so pissed off cause I can live there and my application fees come with housing already and I’m for sure going to get in there because I have good grades and why would I waste $300 to apply to a school I know I’m not going to get into? I mean the universities in Winnipeg have such limited courses it’s not even funny! All the courses I want to take are either going to be soo slack I’m going to drop out and be a bum here -__-” or they’re non-existent! I mean how am I supposed to survive a class if I’m shit bored?! Now I have to apply to some shit university so that I can moderately do good in life and be stuck here for the rest of my years!! I WILL WARN YOU ALL NOW WINNIPEG WILL KILL YOU!! IT WILL GRAB YOU AND MAKE YOU STUCK HERE FOREVER!! NEVER COME!! All I want to do is get out I don’t understand why people want to come here -__-” I mean it has the highest crime and death rate IN THE WORLD!! Not even in the COUNTRY but THE WHOLE DAMN WORLD!! I mean what does that say about us? I’m surprised I’m still alive at this point -__-” I’m pretty sure I would’ve killed myself a long time ago if I didn’t have some trustworthy good friends. Actually I probably wouldn’t have killed myself at all, I probably (or most likely) would’ve become some national hit woman :). I love to shoot, I have no remorse for you if you deserve it, AND I’m damn good at getting a kill shot 😀 so I wouldn’t mind doing that :). Especially cause you get paid lots probably tax free but who knows… I could work for the government and do that cause God knows that they do that for sure! But then I get targeted by all the big criminal people.. I think I’d do better on the bad guys side though cause they’re already invisible and honestly the people running the good side have no idea what they’re doing -__-“. I’m only saying this because look at where we are! We’re in a HUGE ASS recession AND we’re in so deep it looks like there’s only a pint of light left in the dark tunnel. Hopefully with President Obama at the head we’ll be out of a recession and into some better light. He has promised that though I mean during his presidential speech he promised loads and loads of stuff so hopefully he pulls through. I mean Bush promised a lot of crap too the difference was Bush promised CRAP and people believed in him that’s what was the sad part. I mean I’m pretty sure all those “conspiracy” theories about how Bush got into presidency are true because why would you elect someone and then egg them to the point where he can’t even walk to his inauguration and has to jump in a car and speed there? That’s stupid I’m pretty sure I could’ve done a better job and I know nothing about politics! Overall, Bush was such a failure at being president I’m not surprised everyone had a huge party when he got his ass kicked out. Well now I’m done with all this presidential stuff and it’s 3:24 p.m. but I’m so tired cause I went to sleep at 4 a.m. and got up at 8 a.m. to wake up my “brother” (in actuality he’s my sister’s boyfriend who lives here) and his cousin (cause they were at a staff christmas party.. yes they all work in the same place and I have no idea why they’re having a christmas party in the end of January the point is that they did) so they could go to work. Haha it must suck though they came home and went to bed around 2 a.m. and they had to get up at 8 a.m. and him and his cousin were pretty wasted. My sister on the other hand was sound asleep with her puppies :). The puppies who I just happen to be taking care of and at the moment they’re sleeping but they’re so cute! Well in honor of cuteness and Jaejoong oppa’s birthday I’m going to post two videos :D. One, being a birthday video dedicated to Jaejoong oppa which made me cry, and two, being a song that got stuck in my brain for the past few days and I can’t get it out haha. So I hope you enjoy :). The first video might be too small to see but just go to your internet browser and copy the url into there so you can see it properly! 😀 You won’t be disappointed I loved it :). The second song was made by Jaejoong oppa so you know it has a beautiful meaning and he sings it so amazingly along with the other members. ❤

Thinking about things..

I’ve been thinking about a lot of things lately and I’m not sure about anything anymore :S. I mean all I do is text people and I’m not writing my songs, I’m getting bored with school and all I want to do is get far far away. My brain is so scrambled right now and my head starts to hurt all the time now.. maybe it’s because I haven’t gotten checked for my concussion yet but still it shouldn’t make a difference right? I mean my friend had at least 3 concussions and she’s fine.. the only reason I haven’t gotten it checked out is because my father won’t let me he said “You’ll be fine.” and I sat there thinking “Suure I will you dumbass like you know anything about getting one!!!” Anyways now I’m losing sight in my right eye and I’m having constant black outs and people think I’m on crack or taking drugs or something because of it -__-“. I mean really now it wouldn’t be that hard to get checked out really quick but the point is they don’t want me to and they don’t see when I black out and when they do they just assume that I drank too much or something like that. They never ask me anything to be truthful they always just assume something and that’s the end of it and then when they finally find out what’s really wrong with me they go “Why didn’t you tell us sooner?” when in fact they never asked me period. I mean why don’t they just ask me, I mean everytime I try to tell them they don’t give a crap anyways so I finally just gave up at one point because I got sick of being ignored I mean wouldn’t you? I’ve just been randomly flipping through songs hoping something will give me enough inspiration to write again or at least pick up a pen or something but nothing is coming to me. I just keep listening and falling asleep and when I finally wake up I end up with nothing. Hopefully I will get five songs done by the end of this year but I don’t know for sure if I will because it’s not getting any better right now and I’m kind of depressed about it to be honest. Omg and my friend keeps bothering me and everytime I tell them that they’re being to loud or something like that they never listen to me and they just keep going like it’s nothing. I mean I don’t want to be a total B-I-T-C-H to them but still after I’ve told you like 3 times I think you should lay off before I really get to kick the shit out of you. Well now it’s late and I want to sleep before I go to school tomorrow so here’s my song before I go :).

New year, new post :)

Well I think the New Year had started off pretty good, well all except for this stomach ache anyways. But that could all be easily rid of 🙂 it’s just that at this current moment I’m too lazy to do anything but sleep (and even that I can’t seem to do). I mean really I’m cold but I’m not and I’m hot but I’m overheating so my body temperature is screwed up at the moment. In the new year I’m not going to promise anything ridiculous like stop swearing cause personally I’ve tried and it hasn’t worked so really there’s no point. What I can promise is that I’ll finish at least 5 songs by the end of this new year including the one I’ve been writing for Halmoni and Eomma 🙂 <3. I know it’s been a long time since I’ve started it’s just that everything seemed to get in the way and I’ll be more devoted to it once I’ve let my life settle down a little more, you know have it more serene. I feel like I’m trying to put my heart in the right place but it won’t get there without that special someone and as long as he’s with me I’ll be fine, his voice lifts my heart and gives me an instant inspiration. I just want to feel what he feels when people scream his name and tell him they love his music because that’s what I strive for in life, I want to be happy writing my music and having people tell me I’m having a good effect on their life. If I didn’t have it in my life there would be nothing I would work hard for.. and it’s true I mean just look at my academic record at first I lived on knowledge and when that wasn’t enough I turned to music and I haven’t worked for anything since. I love people cheer and encourage you to go on even if you’re a little bad or you make a mistake because it proves that you’re music is wanted somwhere. Somewhere where people know you have an effect on them so powerful they don’t care whether you try something new and screw up but where they want something new and great from you. Well I’ll write more later on haha maybe this doesn’t make sense and maybe it does but whether you get it or not here’s my daily song for you all :).

Texting, loud noises & lots of weird stuff.. yay?

I think if I had to pick a day out of this year where I was really inspired to write, I’d oddly have to pick today for some reason. Even as I’m writing this I have a need to write my story once again because so many ideas are running through my mind but I know if I continue it’ll only lead to my story going off track and I don’t want to ruin it. I mean I already have digressed from the storyline already but only enough so that I can return it back to what it once was. Hopefully I don’t screw up and ruin it for sure :S but I’m pretty sure I won’t because I stopped like this :). Ahh it’s been an overall successful day well all except for my one song that I just can’t seem to finish for some reason. I think it’ll be fine though I’ll finish it soon hopefully and then I have to start rugby so maybe that’ll get my mind going even further because eventually I’ll hate rugby.. again. Lol I love the sport but the people that come with it are just.. how do I put this? ..A bunch of asswipes :). I’m not even trying to be mean but it’s true if you’ve ever met them you’d try to keep yourself sane with other things as well haha. I think I might start a new song as well but that also might not go as well as I plan it haha but then again there is always a new day for hope right? I don’t even know why I’m being so optimistic about today, maybe it’s because I’ve found inspiration through one song or maybe it’s because I finally got out of my house last night. I love my freedom and it gives me so much more to think about and gives me more hope than staying sheltered. I love to feel like I’m in danger in the outside world I think that’s personally why I still have some shady-ass friends haha. When I got home from my sleepover at my friends house I had to clean up and whatever but my mind went blank and up until a couple of hours ago. AND I just found out my father is going to be a total douche bag and forbid me from sleeping over at any other house ever. Why? Because he didn’t tell me to go home at the time he specified but I was like “How in the fcuk am I supposed to know when you want me home am I a fcuking psychic person?!” Omg he’s such an asshole I swear I’m sick of being treated like the world will end if I don’t act accordingly to his stupid rules. Anyways besides that I was talking to one of my friends this whole time by texting him and he’s been listening to everything I said and even read my story for some reason. Haha he’s so funny cause he’ll mix things up and then for like an hour we’ll be talking about dirty things because of a slip up, which we learned in psych is called a “Freudian slip” haha see I learn while in school!! 🙂 Lol okay back to the texting, we’ve just been talking back and forth and whatever and it’s nothing big but then he started putting “<3” at the end of some of his text messages and I was like it’s nothing but then I think about the way he acts around me and it makes me suspicious. Maybe he does like me but then again I could just be paranoid.. haha it happened before with some other guy because he kept calling me “bebs” and “hun” and whatever so I was like “Errr… weird but whatever”. Turns out that guy who was calling me “bebs” and stuff was just a big mac so hahah I was like oh well whatever no big loss there :). He was sweet though and he let me see who he really is for a bit and then we drifted.. but his bestfriend (which is the guy I’ve been texting) is more of a guy friend to me nothing more. I’m just hoping now that the texting guy doesn’t want a relationship cause I haven’t exactly told anyone at my school I’m taken I just want it to be a surprise lol. It already happened before with some guy who gave me roses on Valentine’s day and I feel so bad about that day cause I didn’t take the roses and I rejected him but I was happily floating around in my mind because I got a ring (from my current boyfriend of course :))! So I didn’t realize what I did till later that day :S I felt so bad because it was in front of my whole english class first thing in the morning =.= so he must’ve been feeling shitty that whole day and I feel so guilty about it. But it’s been almost a year now haha and I did sort of have a crush on him but you know boyfriend’s come first :). I mean loyalty wise anyways, well I mean boyfriends before other guys but friends are more important than boyfriends :). Wow does this make any sense now? I’m sorry I’m going brain dead hahaha. Well anyways here’s the song that inspired my whole writing process today I hope you like it as much as I did!! ❤

Dinner & a Walk?

Hmm.. so today I went to the dinner and for the most part it was fun :). Theeeen all of a sudden it starts.. idiots making out at the dinner table =.= I was like please let me puke fcuk you know I’m just not hungry. Eugh I can’t take it anymore it’s like they’re trying to join up and all grow into idiots ESPECIALLY MY “SO CALLED” BEST FRIEND (well she proclaimed it herself) she’s such a fcuking idiot. I called a different girl out last year for being such a fcuking bitch and then she made friends with her and NOW she’s acting EXACTLY LIKE HER!! -__-” FCUKING DUMB BITCH! OMG I’m so fcuked pissed! I swear tonight I was about to tell her to go die for all I cared, especially when her “bestfriend” who fcuked her in all of her relationships, started making out at the dinner table and talking to me like we’re friends. When I specifically told her and I quote “IF YOU EVER FCUKING COME NEAR ME AGAIN WITH YOUR FAKE ASS ATTITUDE I SWEAR BY THE POWER OF THE HEAVENS I WILL STRIKE YOU DOWN AND FCUKING MURDER YOU!” I mean if that doesn’t give you the hint of staying away from me I don’t know what in the hell is wrong with your dumbass. Honestly, I hate fake ass mother fcukers who think they’re the best and know everything I admit I don’t and I admit that I’m fcuking average so why do they have to act all better than me when in fact I kick their ass in everything! I mean the only fcuking reason that dumb bitch graduated last year was because she took the language exam to give her extra credits to graduate. She couldn’t even come back because she dropped classes for her dumbass boyfriends who were ugly and had mother fcuking monobrows!! THAT’S SOME GROSS ASS SHIT I AIN’T LYING!! See now I’m all worked up cause I was drinking not only right now but before at dinner too just so I wouldn’t pay attention to her -__-“. Anyways other than all that shit (which isn’t even the half of what happened) it was fun as a monkey on crack ^-^. I loved it haha we should do it another time again without those certain people I hate -__-“. Ahh LEMONS! The topic of the night haha as soon as that word went off everyone kept laughing it was fun. The dinner took so long it took about 2 hours which was pretty intense I think we destroyed that Boston Pizza they must’ve been so pissed because they had to clean that shit up afterwards haha. Oh man I’m so excited for the next time we do something like it though. After that we walked around Polo Park just going in and out of stores to walk off all the alcohol and whatever and to distract ourselves from not taking the car and running them over haha. Oh man and on top of that I keep texting this guy and he’s really sweet and whatever but at the same time he’s such a dick. Like he’ll be sweet and open up to me and he calls me “bebs” and “hun” and “dear” but we’re not anything I mean I still have my boyfriend/fiancee (I honestly don’t even know if you can call us that anymore) there for me but he’s not really there. This other guy (who’s calling me all that stuff is) but he’s also just him, [I can’t really explain it any other way lol]. Oh and he’s really sweet and nice to me but there are several problems with him: one.) he’s a horndog and he likes …most of the time; two.) he’s a year younger than me [I personally hate dating younger guys cause they’re so fcuking immature, this guy isn’t all that different but at the same time he is]; and three.) he’s totally full of himself at times it just makes me want to kill him {sometimes he opens up to me and then as soon as he realizes it he’ll shut down and go back to being his little horndog self, which makes me wonder about him}. That’s pretty much all I can come up with but other than that I think he’s good I don’t mind being around him and I love it when he cracks jokes and whatever :). Haha we discussed “going out” and figured it’d never work between us and yet we get “jealous” (I don’t know if it counts as jealous but like he gets a little irritated when I mention other guys and shrugs it off and acts like he doesn’t, haha I kind of do it too but not really only when he mentions sluts then I get mad at him) of each other at times. Blah my minds such a mess and on top of that we figured we’d last a week before we failed haha just because of how we are but it’s fine I have a future with someone else for now we’ll call him “C” because haha he has to be introduced eventually :). Oh man haha it’s so late but whatever I can’t sleep on an alcoholic stomach XD! Well this is all for now 🙂 I’m sure you’re sick of me complaining so now there is a song waiting for you at the end if you can still continue to read on. I hope you like this song cause I do haha :).

Blaah long time no blog haha :)

Considering I haven’t written in here for so long I decided to check out other people’s blogs and read them and since I have bad luck with these quiz thingies I decided to entertain you all with mine :).

1.) How are you feeling today?

The Way U Are by DBSK. [ Lol I guess I feel the way I always feel every day.. SLEEPY!]<

2.) Will you get far in life?

4 Minutes Remix ft. Akon by Bone Thugs [Err.. I have 4 minutes to get far in life?]

3.) How do your friends see you?

Bogoshipda by DBSK [ Awwe yay they miss me! 🙂 <3]

4.) Will you get married?

Let Go by Ne-Yo [ ..I fail in life? Waaah I don’t want to let it go!!]

5.) What is your best friend’s theme song?

Insa by DBSK [ Well the title of this song means ‘Greeting’ or something like that so maybe they’ll visit me? ^-^]

6.) What is the story of your life?

Love After Love by DBSK [ Woow they soo have that right =.=]

7.) What was high school like?

No One Else Comes Close by Joe [ Awwe.. that makes no sense what so ever LOL]

8.) How is your life going?

Tri-Angle ft. BoA & The Trax by DBSK [ Omg that’s right my life has 3 points to it: friends, family and CHANGMIN OPPA! <3]

9.) What is the best thing about your friends?

Last Song Ever by Secondhand Serenade [ Well if you listen to this song it means that they’ll last forever ^_^ ..well the first part anyways.. other than that it means I’m going to push them away -__-“]

10.) What song will they play during your funeral?

My Everything by CSJH the Grace [ Awwe that’s so cute I’ll be their everything at that moment ^_^]

11.) How does the world see you in?

Lost My Number by Hedley [ Haha the world lost my number so it means it doesn’t matter :)]

12.) Do people secretly lust after you?

Last Gift (In My Room Prelude) by SHINee [ Haha I’m their last gift? So I’m guessing yes?]

13.) How can you make yourself happy?

I Was Wrong by Social Code [ Err.. I can’t make myself happy?]

14.) What should you do with your life?

Promise [Extra NSB Mix] by DBSK [ I should make a promise to be the best!! :)]

15.) Will you ever have children?

When We”ll Be Together by DBSK [ Haha awwe yay I will have one ^-^]

16.) What song would you strip to?

Right Now by Lee Bo Ram [ Err.. I’m not sure how that would work haha it’s a slow song oh well]

17.) What does your mom think of you?

Awake by Secondhand Serenade [ She wants me to keep awake to live :)]

18.) What is your deep, dark secret?

Retreat by Jay Chou [ Waah I tend to retreat after a while :(]

19.) What is your enemy’s theme song?

Begin by DBSK [ It is only the beginning.. OF THE END FOR THEM!!! MUHAHAHA]

20.) What’s your personality like?

The Story Has Just Begun by DBSK [ Lol I hate when things don’t make sense, I guess the story of my personality is just beginning? Haha I rub off on people!!]

21.) What song will be played at your wedding?

A Fool’s Only Tears by Big Bang [ Ahh such a sweet song I love it ^-^ it shows the true passion of our love <3]

Ahh beautiful video 🙂 I just love it

Nothing out of the bottom of my heart.

I’ve been thinking about this for the longest time, you know what to write, how to write it, what my title should be, if I should write it at all, what to put down, etc. Then I started to not think..weird way to put it right? The thing is though I still have no idea what I’m doing it’s like every time I make a decision about something I’m totally afraid of what’s going to happen. As hard as I try to go to this audition there’s alway something holding me back like an invisible person keeping me from being a singer. I want it so badly and I have no way of getting there unless I skip school and everything but I’ve been through that over and over in my head and I don’t know. Well lets start with this thing eonni gah gave me and then work our waay over to the other stuff:

RULE #1 People who have been tagged must write their answers on their blogs and replace any question that they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves.

RULE #2 Tag 5 people to do this quiz and those who are tagged cannot refuse. These people must state who they were tagged by and cannot tag the person whom they were tagged by continue this game by sending it to other people.

1. Do you have secrets?
A: Haha of course I do doesn’t everyone?

2. Would you fall in love with a boy younger than you?
A: I don’t think so I think it’s too weird for me to be the older one haha ^-^”.

3. What do you hope to achieve in the future?
A: I either want to with under the SM label as a singer or be an international lawyer :).

4. What would you do with a billion dollars?
A: I would pay off all my family debt and move somewhere peaceful.

5. Will you fall in love with your best friend?
A: Considering I don’t have any guys best friends now (ahah I got rid of them) I’d say no unless you count boyfriends then he’s only my best friend sometimes and then I would have to say maybe. :p

6. Which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone?
A: For me it’s definitely being loved by someone cause you can feel it and eventually your feelings may change and even if they don’t someone’s love is unconditional.

7. List out your 15 favourite songs:
A: 1.) “Fall for You” by Secondhand Serenade
2.) “Afterglow” by 동방신기

3.) “I’m Missing You” by Bobby Tinsley

4.) “Monkey Wrench” by the Foo Fighters

5.) “I Wanted You” by Ina

6.) “For the Nights I Can’t Remember” by Hedley

7.) “Drive My Soul” by Lights

8.) “No One Else Comes Close” by Joe

9.) “Somewhere I Belong” by Linkin Park

10.) “Through the Wire” by Kanye West

11.) “Angels Cry” by Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

12.) “Love in the Ice” by 동방신기

13.) “Romantic” by 샤이니

14.) “Gone Away” by Social Code

15.) “Just For One Day ft. Kim Jaejoong” by CSJH the Grace

8. If the person you secretly like is already attached, what would you do?
A: I would be happy for them at the very least and try to move on. Hehe I find it’s not that hard for me these days but you know everyone has their days.

9. Is there anything that has made you extremely happy?
A: But of course, money 🙂 ..oh and friends! ❤

10. Do you have any regrets?
A: My life is full of them take your pick.

11. How would you see yourself in 10 years time?
A: I definitely see myself traveling and working on my music :).

12. Who is currently the most important people to you?
A: Well since me and my family don’t exactly see eye to eye at the moment I’d say my friends (even though they were secretly always at the top (:)

13. What kind of the person do you think the person tagged you is?
A: She’s on crack to put it in simple terms. HAHA just kidding I think she’s wonderful, beautiful & my eonni gah :).

14. Would you rather be single and rich or married but poor?
A: I’d rather be married but poor I mean all the money in the world can mean tons to other people but what’s the use if you’re lonely at the top? You could always buy your friends but what fun is that when the money is gone.

15. What is your favourite colour?
A: At the moment it’s orange. (F.Y.I. Eonni gah they said one not three! LOL)

16. Would you give all in a relationship?
A: Well if he was putting his all into the relationship I would try my best to do it too despite the consequences. Haha I know I’m an enthusiast.

17. If you fall in love with two people simultaneously, who would you pick?
A: Truthfully, if it were love I couldn’t pick between the two and they would have to choose who and if they couldn’t then neither of them deserve me. Secretly, if I had to choose I’d choose the guy on the right I have a good feeling about him :p. Haha no but seriously there’s always an infatuation I would pick the one I know I’m more shallow with.

18. Would you forgive and forget no matter how horrible a thing the someone has done?
A: I’ve tried before and it hasn’t worked so it’s basically a one shot deal unless I really really don’t want to lose you in my life then I would. (e.g. Eonni gah stealing Changmin oppa away from me all the time!!! :P)

19. Do you prefer being single or having a relationship?
A: Haha well we’re in a rough patch right now so I’d have to say being in a relationship even though you can experiment while being single. I like being with someone in a solid relationship :).

20. 5 people I have tagged:
A: 1.) My super duper Ajumma, MinYa 🙂

2.) My Boo Boo Bear, Charn

3.) Ali “disappear, re-appear” eonni x)

4.) My Pelsy “Web Mistress of my Home away from Home” Pants 🙂

5.) MinTi “Fresh” eonni =]

P.S. I’ll continue in another post this one is long enough as it is haha I’ll update more tomorrow morning or something like that :).

Topsy-turvy upside down world?

Well this week was quite eventful meaning it started off in the dumps and during the middle of the week it somehow turned around. On monday, I just started not feeling good what-so-ever and my stomach was really acting up (I mean there’s no change I’m still in pain but anyways) I went out almost every day this week with my best friend or I did go out every day with her I’m blanking here haha. Well we decided to go on a “gym workout session” on wednesday and friday and they were soo far away I thought I was going to die. I can keep down my food but if it keeps acting up I think I’m going to puke out my tongue -__-” not fun at all. The whole point of me trying to get healthy and whatever was because of gym and the stupid “if you don’t have 55 hours you fail high school” rule. Gaaah I hate that rule I think it’s dumb, anyways on tuesday I blanked that I had a test and I nearly failed it =| well I got a 78 out of 100 but that still means I failed ..according to my father -__-” who insists on believing you’ll be fine without going to the doctor. BUT that same night my brother (who we snuck to the hospital at night) has an inflamed pericardium (which means the sac around his heart is filled with liquid which it’s not supposed to be) and that has been causing him a lot of pain. Now he has to get a surgery and the whole time I was thinking Nice job father you completely could’ve killed your son ’cause you don’t want to bring him to a doctor -__-” stupid. Now my brother’s going for surgery soon but I forgot when ^_^” I forgot to mark it down in my calender. On wednesday, I went to the gym with my best friend but first we ended up visiting her work ’cause she works at Rona and she’s re-doing her bathroom from top to bottom. First, we ended up procrastinating and that’s when I met hmm…let called them Sprinty, DOM & hmmm..what do I call the last one, I’ll just call him Slow Fingers. I think we ended up talking to them and playing around for about an hour before we actually went cause my best friend likes Sprinty but I didn’t like Sprinty cause of ..let’s name him Bafin.. Anyways yes it was a war between them and since I knew Bafin better I decided that Sprinty couldn’t have her ’cause I was having a bad day and I liked Bafin waaay better. Like in terms of a lot of things Bafin always wins but he has a lot of faults too. So while Sprinty and my besty were playing, Slow Fingers and I started talking with DOM (which means “dirty old man” which is totally true ..I’d rather not go into details about that conversation). Afterwards I guess I was “flirting” with Slow Fingers and me and my besty stole their phones. Unfortunately for me I decided to steal Slow Fingers’ phone and since I just met him I thought He would never stick his hand down my shirt I mean my besty did it to Sprinty’s phone and he DIDN’T DO THAT!! Haha go figure that I meet the guy for the first time in my life and he sticks his hand down my shirt to get his phone. I mean come on there are limits but I was having fun BUT there was a customer at the door so I was all frozen and I didn’t push his hand away ’cause my brain shut down. Then my besty decided we were leaving and Sprinty wanted his phone back so he was trying to get it but she ran down the tunnel (it’s not actually a tunnel it’s just named that cause it’s a storage thingy they have to manage ..it’s where they keep all the big things that don’t fit in the store). So I was stuck with DOM & Slow Fingers and I was just about to leave when DOM says “YOU DID WHAT?! Wait I didn’t get to see it do it again.” Then he gave me Slow Fingers’ phone and I was thinking HECK NO ARE YOU FREAKING INSANE IT ALREADY HAPPENED ONCE!! then I gave back Slow Fingers’ phone to him and walked out of the “shack” that’s what they call it anyways. Gaah and Slow Fingers was constantly looking at me ever since we came back from the gym ..right I should’ve told you that we came back when started playing with them. So while he was working we were all playing in the tunnel and he decides he’s going to chase me with the lifter! I was running around in circles till I decided what am I an idiot and stood in the center hiding behind Sprinty (lucky besty got out -__-“) and Slow Fingers is on the lifter driving circles around us with a huge smile on his face. I was soo mad and then he stopped and did a turn thingy and said bye so he could go back to work and I was just stuck in the circle ’cause I was afraid if I got out I would get hurt by the lifter. Then we decided, or rather my father decided, I had to go home -__-” and I was like are you freaking serious?! It was only freaking barely 8 in the afternoon and I’ve been gone since what 3:30 cause of school. It ruined all my fun and I hugged DOM and said bye to Sprinty and Slow Fingers, I only hugged DOM ’cause he was feeling down and he needed someone to cheer him up. On thursday I was itching to go back and play ..not cause of the shirt thing but it was just so much fun I couldn’t help it :). I mean it was a HUGE improvement on my attitude which had been shnit filled the WHOLE week since it started. So I just spent this day at home doing some homework and sleeping. Then Friday finally came and I freaking forgot I had a test in my World Issues class ..well it was a map test on the Middle East but I totally forgot about it =| so I ended up studying in class and now I hope that I pass or I’ll be for sure dead. I still have to do the second part sometime next week in class :S then lunch time came around and my besty and I had lunch at her house since I brought my lunch and she couldn’t keep anything down and she wanted a toilet next to her. Then we finished school and got her old car (which was at some out of the city place) back and used that to go pick out some vanities and towel holders for her bathroom. This time we were supposed to go to the gym but yesterday she found out she was about 40 pounds under weight :S so we decided finding stuff would be good enough work out for her. After that we decided to visit DOM, Sprinty & Slow Fingers but Slow FIngers wasn’t working it was one of her other coworkers who I will call Nosicky boy because APPARENTLY he’s never been sick in his life. Gaah he was torturing me by closing my phone every time I tried to text my eonni’s -__-” it was so annoying and I ended up tickling him into submission. Hehe he bumped his hip on the desk so he stopped bothering me and then he found out me and my besty were sick so he ran out of there like there was a fire on his butt. We ended up playing around till about 8 then I had to go home again -__-“. I don’t understand why they need me home at such an early time it’s not like I’m going out smoking up or something I mean I’m trying to salvage what they’ve destroyed of my life with curfews and banning of friends. Anyways here’s a song for you just because you’ve read the ENTIRE post and I appreciate it :).

One step away from insanity and holding on to nothing.

I think I’ve officially lost all sense of ability to be sane. Honestly, I could do without a lot of this crap and I could it’s just that one part of it is linked to my boyfriend/”fiancee” and the other part is my best friend. I swear if I don’t go crazy soon I must be superbly tolerant of everything around me, which I know I’m highly not, cause an average person would’ve been like “Fcuk you people I’m out!” but I haven’t. Does that mean I’m a good friend? Or does that mean I’m a psycho too? Omg I’m so lost in this that I’m like NOW WHAT?!? First off, I don’t think I can handle anymore boyfriends and I’m sick of guys hitting on me and when they find out I’m taken then act like I’m a slut and they’re like “So what just dump him then I’m better.” Then I say “You are ten times less of a man than my boyfriend so step back.” cause it’s true I mean why would you just hit on someone like that it’s so dumb. I mean I appreciate you trying to flatter me but I think you’re dumb and after I say “boyfriend” you should just stop while you’re ahead cause I’ll take you down more than one notch. Gaah I have no idea what’s wrong with me at the moment, I don’t know why I’m so devoted to some guy who treats me bad. He constantly fights with me but as soon as I look at another guy, the other guy looks like poo compared to him and I’m stuck thinking …I’ll never find someone as good as he is… and as far as I’m concerned I’m right. Ahh I have no idea and then my life gets complicated from there -__-” I truly hate it sometimes and wonder why I live. On top of that this best friend thing ..I might end up in witness protection over some guy that likes her and I’m like ..Great I have to go into hiding cause the idiot really likes her.. although I understand his feelings. I wouldn’t really consider it love cause of the lengths he’s going to but I do understand what he’s trying to express even though it’s in the wrong way. Oh well on a lighter note I got my hair cut ^_^ I think it’s nice and on top of that I’m losing weight :D. Not like anorexic losing weight but losing weight to a healthy weight cause apparently I’m ten pounds above the normal BMI =.= which apparently isn’t bad but I’d rather be normal. Oh yeah and I broke down on Wednesday and found out I have PCS which stands for post-concussion syndrome haha. It’s not as bad as it seems but whatever I should eventually get rid of it hopefully I haven’t exactly went to my doctor yet cause I’m not a cry baby about black outs since they’re only for a couple seconds anyways. Well more like 10 to 20 seconds but whatever I’ll be fine haha :). And the song for the day is …*drum roll*…